25

Is less "weird" than I had anticipated. Days before, my head had filled with strange ideas of misguided ventures. That perhaps I should be, or should have done more in my first 25 years.

Then again it's taken 25 years to have
my ups, my downs, to do stupid things, to do TRULY STUPID things, to have fun, to cry, found love, lost love, made friends, lost friends, laughed, created, and have dreamt. Most importantly I've been a daughter, a little sister, a big sister, a cousin and a granddaughter.

So if I'm not what I'm supposed to be now, well, we'll just see what it looks like after the next 25.

Fucked up

is he fell again......tonight he was lucky I was awake and heard him. I'll actually be afraid to go to sleep tomorrow night.

You know what's

Fucked up....waking up early, getting to the top of your stairs, and finding the other person you live with, laying at the bottom covered in blood after they hit their head falling. Fucked up is that they were conscious after they fell, and lay there god knows how long, unable to get up, but not calling for help because they "didn't want to wake you." Fucked up, is trying to live with someone, who has no desire to live.

Q:Is this getting to be too much for you
James'head: HOLYSWEETMOTHERFUCKINGCHRISTINATAXICABRIDINGAPOGOSTICK SAY YES FOR THE LOVE OF SANITY FUCKING SAY YESSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!
James' mouth: No I'm cool, it's ok.
James' head; WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU THAT'S NOT WHAT I TOLD YOU TO SAY
Q:Ok.

Well, if Gloria can survive, I can too....or whatever.

Dear Subconscious,

I'm not sure why you've chosen to give me really strange dreams, and kind of unnerving nightmares lately...but I'd like it a lot if you'd kindly KNOCK IT OFF!!!

Yours
-James' conscious mind

So some days

You are the zen master, carving lines down a mountain like you are on a track. Blowing by people faster than you can see them and turning curves in a plow of snowfall. And other days you are the amateur who can barely make it down the hill and JESUS CHRIST THAT WAS ICE!!!

Yesterday, my first run was as the amateur. I barely made it down the easy slope in one piece, let alone with grace or dignity in tact. Banged up and bruised up I sheepishly made it to the chair lift, only to wonder that, I was actually going to do that again? I had forgotten how much it hurts landing so hard on your back, repeatedly knocking the wind out of yourself when you are least expecting it.

My second run was only marginally better after a superb spill off the chair lift. But the day was not as long as one would think it would have been. Surprising myself I continued down the slopes, and by my third run had gotten my balance, not to mention some of my nerve back and headed to harder trails. The spills still occurred, and I have the black and blue marks to prove it, but the speed soon overcame being afraid of the pain. Going so fast is intoxicating, and feeling the correlation between a slight shift in your hips and a steep slide into a curve is amazing. It's a feeling I never got skiing.
I like skiing, I even got good enough for a black diamond at it. But snowboarding, for whatever reason, is more exciting. I can only wonder at it, my center of gravity isn't where it normally is, I don't have poles to help me tweek just enough to keep me from falling. It's me on a board of fiberglass, and I love it so much more. Now if only I had a pair of waterproof gloves.

Common Sense

Says that when "battling" the problems, a drink and some P.J. Harvey are NOT on the helping side. Though it seems fitting, fitting to what exactly?? *is frustrated at self* It's true blog, there's a whole lot of clutter in the noggin tonight, and I REALLY don't (want to/know how to) deal with it. Guess I'm still looking for the "right" answers in all of the uncertainty. *sigh* When do I learn, it's not the right answer, it's what's right for me? *rolls eyes incredulously*

I have to

wonder lately because a friend of mine was recently put on serious medication. Personally I am vehemently against using habitual medication as anything but a last resort.

Advil-fine, anti-biotics-fine...you don't have to use them for long....but for his problem...well they're long term...and they're disruptive to his life, apparently they make him really tired. And while I know in the long run, he'll be better using them (and that's really ALL that matters) it still scares me to see him go through this. Course I'd never tell him that ;)

But then I have to wonder (because, head case that I am, I will eventually compare EVERYTHING I see inwardly and how I myself measure up to it)how is it any different than the "method" I use to sleep?? Really dependency is dependency when it comes right down to it. So it's not like what I do is any better. Although it may be more fun.

I've been

enamored with post secret for a while now. And while I've wanted to send in a secret since Miss M and Super L introduced me to it two years ago, I haven't. And I've finally realized why, I don't feel I need to be anonymous. This is my past, and while it does not make me proud, it is part of who I am...and I LOVE who I am for the first time in a long time. And I'm strong enough to admit without malice..........


Older and wiser I know I could not have stopped for anyone but me. Thank you for showing me you care.

Thinking of

everything bad that's happened between us, and all the reasons I could/should/would hate you if I were any other person. But I can't.......even if sometimes I want to.

I'm not

blind to what you're trying to (less than) subtly insinuate....I don't want to hurt you...I NEED you to understand, there are things bigger than me that won't let me go backwards, and that I have to say "no"

There are a lot of days

I wonder just "what the fuck am I doing???? Then I go back to being the happy-go-lucky headcase....

Ambitious people set goals to achieve what they want....what do you do when you don't know what you want to do??

Went out to

dinner with my mom, older sister and brother-in-law after I got stranded at work today. Took a chance and ate curry. Actually LAUGHED with them on the ride back for the first time in...who knows how long.It's odd not to feel so isolated. Isolation is more familiar than anything else right now. Puked up my curry, I'm still "allergic" and can't handle it. (UGH!) Been sneezing all night (thank you allergies)and tomorrow is Friday. It's going to be a long day.

I think this is

Soulful, and heartfelt enough for me:

You and...
I are... like oil and water
And we've been trying, trying, trying
Ohhhhhhh... to mix it up.

We've been....
Dancing... on a volcano.
And we've been crying, crying, crying
Over blackened souls.

Babe, this wouldn’t be the first time.
It will not be the last time.
There is no parasol that could shelter this weather.

I've been....
Smiling... with anchors on my shoulders
And I’ve been dying, dying, dying
Ohhhhhhh... to let them go

Babe, this wouldn’t be the first time.
It will not be the last time.
There is no parasol that could shelter this weather.

Babe, this wouldn’t be the first time.
It will not be the last time.
We've been trying to believe everything would get better!

We've been....
Lying... to each other.
Hey! Babe! Let's just call it, call it, call it
Ohhhhhhhh.... what it is...

Oil and water!
Oil and water!
Oil and water!
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhoooooooooooooooooo

-Incubus "Oil and Water"

There

are so many things, that feel "bigger" than me tonight. Purposes, Spiritualism and Wisdom so much more integral to life than I could ever imagine....rest assured, I play my part.

I don't

want you to wait on me, because I won't be there. Go be great! I do love you, and want that for you.

It's never

constant. I miss you, and some days are harder than others. I feel the worst when it's all fading, and I feel nothing at all.

I looked at you

in the mirror today. I teared up and couldn't bring myself to say "I'm so sorry."

I love

impotent internet hostility like this:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jamie View Post
Well you know I'm for Thailand, but really anywhere would be not here and acceptable. I'll have two weeks of off time hoarded by then, and saving shouldn't be a problem. I just had 4 students come back raving about Singapore as well, so that's an idea.

Reply by Mike
Either one you pick, I will buy you a one way ticket.

Ya know that overly aggressive "mean" crap did intimidate me when I was 19 and 20. Now you just sound like a childish dick. Good luck with that buddy.

Am I...

tall? Or are my younger sister, and my cousin, the other bridesmaids I'm walking with in my older sister's wedding, just short? Either way we're having shoe height issues, ohhhhh yea...this is something that should take up part of my day. *roll eyes*

I'm almost positive

It just 'seems' this way and really isn't. But there's a lingering voice that says anytime I get pissed off and disrespectful my WHOLE family gets angry at me, and gives me the 'cold shoulder' But it's just my imagination....right?