me minus Caffeine

I've noticed over the last two months, that I would hit these "strange" points in my days. It started off with an actual anxiety attack that I cured with going home early from work and catching up on a few hours of sleep that had been lacking in the days prior. Then the "fluttering" started. I'd find myself at random times of the day steadying myself on my desk and breathing through an odd pounding/skipping sensation of my heart.

Now I suppose any normal person would go running to their GP when something like this happens....but since our dear head case has a deeply rooted aversion to doctors (no real reason...just REALLY don't wanna go) not to mention a track record of staying away from Doctor's care long enough NOT to even really HAVE a GP..... I did a little research and have begun to eliminate caffeine and alcohol from any normal consumption. Which over the last week has effectively quelled said instances....which means I'm scott free....right? I DON'T WANNA GO! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME! We'll see how it plays out.

Thoughts on *honesty*

So I've been without my ritual *helpful sleep drinking* for almost a week and a half.
I've been without a sig-o for..I guess almost 3 weeks. And I'm thinking I should let down the playful sarcasm that I ride daily in my job and personal relationships with co workers and family.....

Except when I "let go" I realize that over the last few weeks, alone, I've felt more like "myself" than I ever have. I spent a really long time missing that optimistic happy-go-lucky-fearless kid my parents used to smile at. She went on an extra long hiatus in high school apparently, and has just decided to reestablish herself. I *grin* ear to ear on sunny days cause it just feels good to be in the sunshine. I laugh at everything, and while I'm still sarcastic, there's a genuine enjoyment underlying everything I feel...

There's a renewed sense of independance, which I LOVE. A feeling of freedom, to be my own person and make decisions that are ONLY going to affect me!

I've seen pics of the ex on Super M's flick'r page, and he looks happy. That's all I could want for him. I realize now that no matter how hard I pretended, tried, denied or ignored, we weren't on the same path....and that's OK!!!! It happens in life.

I've realized this before, there's a part of me that will always love him, and the times we shared. But I really feel that it's overshadowed by how excited I am at what's going to be coming at me next. I've been "testing" myself over the last week/week and a half listening/watching things "we" used to enjoy together, and I've realized I'm not willing to give up my enjoyment of things because "we" broke up. I will continue to love the music/movies/people/life/ I love, and go where next seems enjoyable. :D

To whom it concerns

I have an idea what you see when you look at me. I've been afraid that I've been seeing the same thing for years. You see the aggressive,temperamental control freak a lot. I know this because I've seen the same thing when I've looked at someone else my whole life. But don't think for one moment I don't wish to "god" I didn't have to be as tough as I am.

I would love, for one second, to let someone else take care of me. To help me, to let me off the hook, but that's not the way it is. I have to be strong, like them, I don't want to be, but there's no one else to do the job. I wish it were different everyday, but this is who I am, and I do the things that need to be done.

And I think I understand you. I'm sorry you've been coddled. I'm sorry you haven't had the background I have. Because my whole life there has always been someone there to call my "bullshit-high-horse-attitude" for exactly what it was. I've always had (several) someone(s) to knock me down a peg when I needed it. And you never have.
I call 'bullshit' when I see it, and I won't spare your ego to do it(They're overrated). But now's the time to put-up or shut-up and grow-up. You can either accept me, for the strong woman I am. A woman who loves deeply, loyally and fiercely,family, friends or Lover. Who would go-to-bat and punch someone in the face for you. Or you can continue to run and hide in your own bitterness, and immature self involvement.

I've never judged you no matter what you've done, and I'm not about to start. But this does not mean I don't expect you to "own" your actions. "Own" the things you do, become a better person. I still love you for you, and I want to continue on as a better person, and I'd like you to continue with me.

Gripe

I've been gripeing lately about the 3rd floor coworker that I am, essentially, avoiding at this point. And here's another one;

My Dad started calling me "James"......I dunno how far back. I've developed several nicknames amongst my family (as families are wont to do) and I'll even allow my close friends to use several of them (not that they do much..."hey asshole" tends to be popular though [kidding]) "James" however.. belongs to my Dad...it's just one of those things. So.....


You can imagine (if you'd like a laugh) my reaction when coworker tried to use it. I managed to keep my head from spinning totally around, and aimed the projectile vomit to the side. I have to wonder...does this woman really know how close she is to me flipping out at her? Advice?? Anyone? I'm really trying to avoid the whole "come right out and say it" thing...I'm not very good at that. (read overly blunt)

24

I got an *extra* special treat for my birthday yesterday, my Dad had off from work, and picked me up so I didn't have to take the bus..weeee!

We hung out at my parents for the afternoon and when everyone else got home we made hot dogs (for them), and mac n'cheese. (I ate the mac n'cheese [guilty pleasure]) With a "surprise" birthday cake for desert...

Me:Wait...Ona's not here we can't have cake till Saturday.
Mom: It's ok...I'm making another cake for saturday.
Me: DUDE! I get 2 cakes...I am SO cool!
Everyone else:.......no.

:)

Then we watched Field of Dreams. If you've never seen it, you're a crazy person, go see it, NOW! It's Baseball, it's the Costner, James Earl Jones, and fun at Ty Cobb's expense. It's wonderful, beautiful, and leaves you with a great feeling, because "Is this heaven? No, it's Iowa."

Awesome birthday!

Remembered

I remember........


It was an "extra" family vacation. The summer, I was 7 or 8. Rafting down the Delaware River with my Mom, and Dad, and both my sisters. The hours long drive up a highway to be bussed along the riverbanks, quiet and peaceful, almost like Valley Green Park. For the hours long trip coasting down the waters. Until I fell out.

I'd taken swim lessons before, but nothing like falling out of a raft. Abington High' School's pool had always had a bottom to push off of. Cold, safe sides to cling to when laps of "freestyle" got to be too many. Not like a real river, where the bottom drops away...I panicked. I remember calling out to my Dad treading water. His voice calm, cutting through my fear, telling me what to do. Stop. Keep your head up. Get back to the raft, and pull yourself up. I remember crying until he paddled down to me, telling me to calm down. "Everything's ok" The rest of the day blurs until we're home. Sitting on the back steps, my Mom rubbing lotion on my sun burnt shoulders, telling me she "couldn't help notice how [I] called for your father when you were in trouble." I couldn't explain it away. She went inside with hurt feelings.

I'm sorry.

Previously, on 'Things That I Blog About'

I've been listening to Our Lady Peace today;

Life is waiting for you,
it's all messed up, but we're alive,
it's all messed up, but we'll survive.

The last three months, this has been my life. Normal, uneventful, routine. And I wonder just what exactly I had been expecting?

I've found:
More patience for student excuses than I thought I'd ever have.
A coworker who scares me just a bit with her needy loneliness.
A personally frightening acceptance for the mundane.
And a new perspective on who I let affect me, and how.

As far as the last bit, well, I'm not worried about who judges me, or for what. And I'm more tired of seeing its effects hurt the man I love. It stops. Period end of discussion.

As far as things that are not so vague.... well the birthday is coming up. :) Yay! Should be fun. With any luck it'll be 'the gang' down at Nodding Heads, I'm excited, we all don't get to hang out very much any more, especially me and J. (Good news being that with his disappearing act he should be grad-u-ma-cating soon! weeeeeee!!!) It's weird having a day in between our birthday's this year....screw you Feb 29th!

Saturday should be freakin sweet with any luck. Meesh and Eddie invited me to go snowboarding with them. Some 'fallin down a mountain fun' Mattie was very excited that he will be working that day, and will not need to take the ride/sit in the lodge playing my PSP all day. LOL. He's still fairly adamant about NEVER participating in snow activities EVER again.

And if all goes well, I should have my new animation backgrounds drawn in Photoshop by Friday. :) "Normal" feels kind of weird, in a good way.