I'm not

blind to what you're trying to (less than) subtly insinuate....I don't want to hurt you...I NEED you to understand, there are things bigger than me that won't let me go backwards, and that I have to say "no"

There are a lot of days

I wonder just "what the fuck am I doing???? Then I go back to being the happy-go-lucky headcase....

Ambitious people set goals to achieve what they want....what do you do when you don't know what you want to do??

Went out to

dinner with my mom, older sister and brother-in-law after I got stranded at work today. Took a chance and ate curry. Actually LAUGHED with them on the ride back for the first time in...who knows how long.It's odd not to feel so isolated. Isolation is more familiar than anything else right now. Puked up my curry, I'm still "allergic" and can't handle it. (UGH!) Been sneezing all night (thank you allergies)and tomorrow is Friday. It's going to be a long day.

I think this is

Soulful, and heartfelt enough for me:

You and...
I are... like oil and water
And we've been trying, trying, trying
Ohhhhhhh... to mix it up.

We've been....
Dancing... on a volcano.
And we've been crying, crying, crying
Over blackened souls.

Babe, this wouldn’t be the first time.
It will not be the last time.
There is no parasol that could shelter this weather.

I've been....
Smiling... with anchors on my shoulders
And I’ve been dying, dying, dying
Ohhhhhhh... to let them go

Babe, this wouldn’t be the first time.
It will not be the last time.
There is no parasol that could shelter this weather.

Babe, this wouldn’t be the first time.
It will not be the last time.
We've been trying to believe everything would get better!

We've been....
Lying... to each other.
Hey! Babe! Let's just call it, call it, call it
Ohhhhhhhh.... what it is...

Oil and water!
Oil and water!
Oil and water!
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhoooooooooooooooooo

-Incubus "Oil and Water"

There

are so many things, that feel "bigger" than me tonight. Purposes, Spiritualism and Wisdom so much more integral to life than I could ever imagine....rest assured, I play my part.

I don't

want you to wait on me, because I won't be there. Go be great! I do love you, and want that for you.

It's never

constant. I miss you, and some days are harder than others. I feel the worst when it's all fading, and I feel nothing at all.