Ponder, Ponder

I'm wandering on the internet today while I'm not up in New York working, and can't get any hours at my job down here. And I float through my boyfriend's friend's different sites. I'm kinda in awe of them, they're really cool. And in a lot of a cheesy sort of way, I really do look up to them, cause they're very neat people.

Kinda makes me wonder what my own life will be like, whenever (or if ever) it starts. Because there are still "too many" moments, where I just am not sure. I look at his friends and its pretty clear what drives them. And pretty cool to see. And while, yes, we are all human at the end of the day, I'm antsy, consequently feeling that I'm behind on things.

I sometimes worry that I'm not passionate about enough things. Or at least enough important things. The one clear cut goal that I am passionate about, is inevitably negative, or so it seems. It makes me feel like I don't really know myself. I don't really know what I want. And while one side says "you're only 22" the other side says "you're 22 already, what are you waiting for?"

*sigh* I haven't done much with my life yet, and I think this bothers me, only until I realize, I have no idea what *special* sort of thing I think I "should" be doing instead.

I know that as a Pisces I'm supposed to be more laid back, and I can agree to that. Sure, I'm in no great rush for anything really, and I'd rather just have fun. But shouldn't I be more aggressive? Shouldn't I be more excited about life? Shouldn't I really know what I want to do rather than just settling for a job with good money that's "at least in my field". I don't hate my job....but I am just sort of "eh" about it. But don't ask me what it is I really want to do. You'll get a blank stare.