NY

I hate how alone I feel when I'm up here.

LOOOONG Night

So I got an IM from Matic Friday night around 9 ish....


Matic :Are you sure you can't make it tonight?

Me : Make what?

Matic: The party...everyone's here.

Me: what What WHAT??!! I know of no such goings on = [

Matic: ! GTF over here!!!



So I hopped a train to the speed line and found myself so soon again in Collingswood New Jersey. Lots of the friends were there, and new people to meet too. So I grabbed a beer, did a shot with friend Rak... and then...well...things get a little fuzzy...

There was Guitar Hero, more shots, Patty passing out in the bathroom, Patty passing out on the floor outside the bathroom. There was the cat (Lucy) 's great escape and subsequent return. There were some casualties, but overall things went swimmingly = ]

All the talking, drinking, singing, and hanging out went on until about 5 am, when Matic, Johno, myself and Raech all crashed out in Matic's room.

The hangover was rough.

Normally after an evening of moderate consumption, I wake up wondering if I had, by chance, eaten a sock the night before, since it quite feels that way.

For whatever reason, maybe it was because I was facing a 12 hour shift at work, it felt more like I'd been run over by a bus. ...... *shrug* such is life, roll with it = ]

'Sides, next weekend is back to back chaos with Mel's I'm done college party, and then boyfriend's friend's shin dig.

The normal intolerance

It's been almost 3 weeks since I decided, I just don't want to eat meat anymore. I'm actually not "craving" it at all, and while its hard to avoid, its not a challenge to "not eat it". I don't feel like I'm denying myself of anything, and my body just generally "feels" better.

I've seen the videos, from both sides, and averaging the truth between the two, yes, its pretty bad how they raise farm animals. However I'd be lying if I said I was being all noble and boycotting meat for that reason. My feelings on that are another topic. In all honesty, I don't want the "cocktail" of synthetic hormones, vaccines, and other crap they pump into the live stock. Call me crazy, I don't have much faith in the FDA. I'm skeptical, all that shit HAS to eventually have an effect on me in some way.

Boyfriend's been really supportive about my decision. Playfully teasing, as always, but happy that I'm happy about it. The family, however, has not been very supportive at all. When I first mentioned it to my mother she didn't have much to say. But last Sunday she made waffles, and when I said I didn't want any (because of the eggs) she said pretty much just what I thought she'd say. (Oh, come on that's enough, this is ridiculous etc) And then the older sister chimed in with her usual thoughtless comments. "You don't know enough about nutrition to cut meat out of your diet."

.............You're right Michelle, there's NO way I could POSSIBLY have done research...and like...learned about it.


I want to ignore their comments, and the fact that I'm not taken seriously, but its really frustrating. Especially since my dad hasn't said anything about it, only because I'm fairly sure he's just waiting for me to "change my mind" and go back to eating meat. What a bummer that they can't just respect what I think.

The Jersey *Drip

Ended up in Jersey yesterday to hang with Matic293, his Flatmate, his Cousin, and Johno was there too! Yaaaaay! ......It made me think about BMC. Johno heard from him a while back, he's out and doing better, but still MIA. I miss him, hope he comes back soon : )

We decided to BBQ a bit, so we crammed into Matic's car and took a road trip for supplies. Since I've switched to veggie, I found some meatless burgers, while everyone else agreed on a slab of meat. We got a few other fun tidbits, some corn, string cheese, straws, oj, vodka, a bottle of red wine, and a mini keg of Warsteiners (Var-shtine-er). Then we met up with a friend and picked up an extra special treat. Our supplies in the trunk we headed back and made quick with the drinking!

Cousin got home from Lacrosse about 5:30 and joined in the fun with some guitar hero, and eventually a jam session. Matic taught him how to play Blur's "Woohoo"...it was funny....I forgot to record the sound on my camera though. (D'oh!) As the night wore on, we ended up not BBQing at all, just partaking of our treat, until finally Johno left around 1:30. Cousin crashed out in his room about the same time, and then there were 3.

Matic wanted to keep partying, but needed to go to work.....so we all just decided to stay up all night. (Sure why not....famous last words) Matic picked around on his bass, while Flatmate and I sang along (like a bunch of hippies) Its funny, because this will inevitably happen at EVERY PARTY at some point, no matter what : )

Flatmate crashed around 3:30, and then there were 2. At this point Matic was having serious doubts about his decision, but we were past the point of no return, if he tried to get up in 4 hours, he'd just end up missing work all together. So we gabbed, played some more video games, and then got hungry around 5 am and made some of my veggie burgers. And legged out the rest of the pre dawn hours smoking cigarettes.

Twitter message I left at the end: We partied through the night, winding down as Monday begins......there's not enough Alcohol on the Earth to fix Monday's

All in all I'd say a damn good time! I love my Jersey guys.

ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!

I hate shopping for clothes! Like really really hate it!

Aside from being 5'8" and having everything be too short, I'm not petite....at all. And although some may envy the "well endowed chest" look...try finding a shirt that can keep the "twins" secure....not easy.

I know I'm supposed to feel comfortable in my body and be happy and work with "what I got"....but I wouldn't mind having less to work with. I just end up feeling more self conscious and unhappy.

: /

Some days...I worry about him.

A Baby's Self Awareness

Changing my god-daughter out of her syrup covered play clothes after her nap yesterday, I saw her do something amazing.

She's pretty independent for a 2 year old, she can pretty much dress herself. I held out her shirt for her, but instead of taking it like she normally loves to do, she ran over to her closet door mirror and began to play with her reflection. Crouching down first, then standing up tall. Waving her arms around, and touching her face. I laughed and called her to give her her shirt, but she was so into her new "playmate" she didn't even hear me. After that I just laughed as she tilted her head back and forth, then played with her tummy, sucking it in and looking at her reflection. She looked back at me once or twice and then giggled at the mirror. I can't be sure, but I think she was just really enjoying recognizing herself and what she looked like. It was so cute, and one of the coolest things I've ever seen her do. What an amazing little girl. : )

Night out

I decided to actually venture out last night, rather than sit in my room reading. Not that I mind reading at all, I seriously advocate it, but seriously, I have to stop letting being by myself turn me into a complete hermit.

While the thought of wandering aimlessly..and looking LIKE I'm wandering aimlessly instills a paranoid fear that I can't quite describe. Kicking myself in the ass (and two shots of soco and lime back to back) bury said "fears" deep enough to enjoy myself. Who needs social anxiety when there's alcohol??? : D

The Perfect Pint, two doors down from my hostel was a lively looking bar, and I spent much of the first half of my evening there. Amid the company of the loud Irish bartender, and 3 rowdy women from Northern England. One of which was really really drunk, they were hilarious!

I decided to head further downtown a little after 11 and walking through Time Square, well....the amount of people there at all hours is staggering. I AM NOT comfortable in that big a crowd. Solution? Walk as quickly as possible! : )

A jack and coke at Discotheque. It was ok, but not all that it was cracked up to be as far as music. But then again, no cover charge for ladies before 12, I guess I can't be that down on it. I realized I was....REALLY hungry at about 12:30 so...hey look at that an overly trendy restaurant...*shrug* eh why not.

I guess atmosphere replaces good food...the fact that my eggplant tasted like french fries, and that the music was so loud it made the din of voices even worse, was ok cause my waiter was nice. *shrug* hey...its all in fun. : )

Riding the subway back I realized something interesting, that I can't remember now, but I know it made me smile at the time. But I did notice these 3 asian people that were the physical embodiment of the character design of Digimon the cartoon show! I'm glad I only thought about that in my head at the time. : )

Brain Freezie!

Broke out the "Mega Juicer" my mom bough a few years ago, when my grandmom couldn't eat solid foods.
Rooting through the fridge I found all the lonely fruit no one else in the house had bothered to eat.
I love my sister's attitude when I ask her if she wants some. There's the hand flick of "Your talking over my dvd which I can't pause to acknowledge that you'd like to make me something. Then the muttering of "Don't use that thing its a waste of fruit"......Dude, seriously...its not like you're eating any of it, and its just going to waste so stfu cause you sound like a dope.

Luckily it was just this side of bad. Some strawberries, and orange and a pear got eaten alive. Its actually fun juicing thing : ) Cleanup is a bit of a project though. Threw the juice and some ice into the blender, and woot! Awesome smoothie : )

However we don't have any straws : / and eating it by the spoonful is kind of giving me brain freeze. Oh well : )

stress...till we meet again

Boyfriend and I talked today.



Apparently we both put the stubborn down and realized its amazing what you hear when you shut the hell up and listen to someone. HA...who knew?

Oddly enough..after everything was good and calm again, then I started bawling my eyes out.




Ah well...I did feel better after so...*shrug* another drop in the "unwanted drama" bucket...and life moves on. : )

On a whim

Had to go to the Acme to get my cats some more cat food today. And while I was there I walked past mushrooms, buy one get one free! COOL! 2 packs of mushrooms for 2.19 : ) I love the little mushyrooms. Grabbed that and some organic, whole wheat pasta I found.

So I fired up the stove when I got home and made a quick little stir fry. Mushrooms, celery, onions, carrots, broccoli, garlic, leeks, as my pasta cooked. I added fresh ground black pepper, coriander, sage, some water, and a little lemon juice and let the veggies sit. Then I added them to the pasta! Yummy...

On my own serving I added a good topping of crushed red pepper flakes (hehe I like it HOT!) Awesome veggies! but my pasta's a little bland : /

anyone have any suggestions???

Processing.....(does not compute)

So "the issue" that's been slowly eating away at my sanity, finally came to its end this morning.

Now I'm dealing with the aftermath, and I'm asking myself all the questions that I'm not sure of the answer to.

Am I happy? Is this worth it? What should I believe? Am I being honest with myself? Can I do better? Don't I deserve better? When is the threshold of understanding and forgiveness crossed? When do I say enough is enough? When do I say, I've had it, I'm done?

Thinking thinking..." what? fatal error??!"

Kind of have to laugh

I usually take my horoscope with a grain of salt....but there are days when I do read it....and laugh at the thought there might be something to it. File under "I couldn't make this shit up"

Your romantic hopes might well be shattered today, and you may be forced to seriously consider a separation. The conjunction of the card of Death and the Star often indicates an emotional crisis, and it goes without saying that this could be making you feel very downbeat today. It’s difficult to give advice in these situations, but it’s no good swimming against the current or trying to convince someone to stay if they have already packed their case, dear Jamie. Deep down, of course, you know that with time you’ll get over it. In your work environment, your projects and your professional career seem to be stalling at the moment. You’re basically waiting for a green light or for a change in the organization, as in the absence of this your hands are tied and you cannot do anything, or commit to even the smallest expense. Having to wait like this is costing you your last nerve and yet there is nothing you can do. The alliance of Temperance and Death shows that you with a little good will you will be able to be patient and to adapt to the new order of things.

Could use some help : (

I'm not a very religious person. Raised RC, I believed in God about as long as I believed in the Easter Bunny, Santa, and that there were alligators living under my bed. Ball park it? About 7 years old.

I've tried following several different "paths" to no avail, I've kinda of settled on being agnostic. However...today's a bad day. So...if there is some sort of force...or an actual god out there....I could use a hand.

Or for that matter...human advice would be welcome too : (

World War 3

So my friend Johno signs on last night to show me pictures he found of World War 3. Oh...buddy.

WW3 happened back in late November early December last year, and was a COMPLETE debacle of a party. Johno invited everyone to the homestead in Jersey, so Boyfriend, myself and another friend trekked out for some fun.

The night started off well enough, everyone drinking, playing video games, beer pong and the like. As we mellowed out, the instruments came out and we had an impromptu TOOL jam session. On and on it went, until finally it came time to roll out, and Boyfriend and I couldn't find my friend anywhere. Now I may be very drunk here, but boyfriend isn't and he can't find her either! As it turned out she'd met a guy, and they made busy friendly hiding in the basement. .......now normally something like that would a) shock the hell out of me b) hasten my vacating the party and c) seriously think about bringing said friend to another party. But this was not the normal run of things. Quite frankly Johno has no rules, and doesn't give a damn about much. He in fact told me so when I pulled him aside to discuss the aforementioned situation and offer my apologies for friend's behavior. Alcohol greases the wheels in talks of negotiation and peace.

So we were convinced to stay a bit longer, drink a bit more, and not leave. Hitch number 2 came when BMC's date inquires of us all smoking on the front porch "Why is my boyfriend sucking face with some chick in the kitchen?"

I'd like to take this time to suggest, for anyone who has never been in this situation before, that the BEST course of action (and the one I took) is to say NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I put down my cigarette, opened the front door, and sure enough BMC and a girl he did not bring to the party are getting mouthily acquainted. Lets skip ahead to the fun part.

About an hour later I'm again on the front porch smoking a cigarette with BMC, calmly avoiding any conversation that may have had to do with the since ended drama of confrontation. When he looks up at me and says, sarcastically, "I just want to thank you for telling on me to Megg" Drunk complacency on hold. "B. I have never been more honest in my life than right now, I didn't say SHIT to her. She asked US why you were." Awkward silence. "Well, ok then, sorry I thought it was you." We then discussed the matter a bit further and agreed, inebriation notwithstanding, that that maaaaybe wasn't the best time for him to act impulsively.

Even with these two hits the party could have come out only mildly scathed. But was BMC and I finished our smokes and headed back in, the scene with which we were greeted signaled the end of the night. One of Johno's coworkers girlfriends, pounding on the bathroom door swearing obscenities, and the dreaded words..."I know you're fuckin cheatin on me, now get the fuck out here" *Quick look around* And I realize... Oh no! Where is friend? My friend, her friendly new friend, and another guy I didn't know exit one at a time from the bathroom.

If it were the comic universe how I would prefer it, I would have used my telepathy to signal boyfriend to get the smoke grenades ready. That on my count he would toss them, I'd grab my friend and we'd make a stealthy Batman worthy exit! As it happened there was screaming, yelling, denial, and my friend being ready to slam this girl in the face.

I often wonder how I get myself into these things.....

After most of the shouting, and laughter (I forgot to mention a good number of people, including Johno, thought that if not for the threat of cops, this was hilarious) with rival parties separated, it was REALLY time, for everyone, to leave. Except for one problem. As we head to the front door with everyone else, Spags, quite determined and quite drunk pulls me aside and says to me;

S "Tell me what happened"

ME"Well I'd love to Spags, except I wasn't in the room, and honestly can't tell you."
S "NO I KNOW what happened....I want YOU to tell me what happened"

I'm confused for a second before I realize, Oh my god he thinks it was ME in the bathroom

ME "Spags I wasn't in there, she told me what happened, and she wouldn't lie to me, so as far as I know nothing happened"
S "Look...I'm not mad...I just want you to tell me what happened in there"

At this point Boyfriend came to my rescue "C'mon we gotta get goin" We mention the event every so often and we all have a good laugh about it now. Except for Spags, who I think still might be under the impression I was in the bathroom. Maybe someday I'll fill him in. : )

Free for a Freelancer

SWEET!
I've never been so happy that Chyron/Lyric is a bundle of bugs! Bernadette, the head of our graphics department, had someone from Chyron corporation come in today to help "mainstream" and update our Chyron system. Basically since we've upgraded to the new graphics, all the mis programmed, halfassed shortcuts that had been made on the system a year ago came crashing down in a flaming shit storm! LOL The only dependable thing about our Duet in the last two weeks has been that it WILL crash at some point...when is optional. During the show, during commercial break...*shrug* keeps you on your toes.

Anywho, I met Marty today when I got in, he and Bernadette were discussing updates, and things about Viz (haha an ENTIRELY different can of worms there) and she introduced us.
"Are you a freelancer?"
"Yea"
*gives me his card*
"We sponsor training for freelancers on Chyron, 5 days, 8 hours a day, the ENTIRE thing"

This is up there in the top 5 cool things that could happen to me today! In fact it completely cancels out the fact that my pants are drenched, up almost to my knees, from walking in the rain. (Damn you subway!)

Not only does this put a cool "Hey look at me!" on my resume, but the guy works for NBC Olympics! Dude...CONTACT!! yay! Man I hope this works out...I could use a full time job right now. Lol

Something to think about

So a few weeks ago, Mammafriend told me the national guard might deploy her, again. This time either to Egypt, or back to Afghanistan.......

Then she asked me if I'd move into her house for the year she was deployed and take care of her daughter Kayla. I'd never felt like pissing my pants, throwing up and crying at the same time until then.

Mammafriend lives in Lansdale, in a really cute house, with an apartment above where her dad lives. They share rent and utilities, and they both raise Kayla. Except that Grandpa, can't raise Kayla on his own. He can't deal with a baby, he's been a single parent all his adult life (after Mammafriend's mother left them) and if she were older, he'd be ok, but now, he'd need help. This is where I'd come in.

OH MY GOD!!!!! I'd be Aunt Jamie/Mom...for a year....365+ days! OH MAN!!!!!!!!

I really want to say yes, because I'm Kayla's godmother. I, essentially, knew this was the role I'd be assuming if ever, "god" forbid. If something would ever happen to Mammafriend, or her ex, I would take the responsibility of raising Kayla, mentally and spiritually etc. I signed the paperwork. I stood there on the day the kid was baptized!.... How can I say no?

NOTHING is definite yet, but there's a very good chance that this will happen. WOW. I love kids, I get along great with them. And honest truth, I love Kayla, like she was mine, but am I able to do this?? Am I able to take care of this little girl, who would be turning 3 while I was taking care of her. Would I be able to help this little mind understand where her Mommy and Daddy were? Why they weren't there to tuck her in at night? Or send her off to daycare? I'm 23, would I be ready to be instant mom???


The other aspect weighing heavily on the mind is boyfriend. My jaw almost dropped when Mammafriend asked me this, and Boyfriend thought "it would be awesome!"..........I'm sorry.....what????!!!!

"I could help you! We could work, and play with her after, and take her to the park!"..........I'm confused...weren't you the Boyfriend who was leaning towards adopting, if not having children at all?? He was so excited, my head spun. And then of course there's my situation. I freelance in New York! What if I have to move up there? What if I can't get a job locally to cover the extra bills? What if, what if what if????

Its a lot to think about, and thankfully I have until Fall to think about it. The worst part of thinking is wondering, am I fundamentally capable of doing what my heart would LOVE to do?

Right now, I don't know. : /