North Jersey

I'm in north Jersey right now, at my Aunt and Uncle's house. Its cool, they live in a pretty historic...rich neighborhood...they aren't...they just live there. Bout 45 minutes outside of NY, I can commute there pretty easily in the morining...I hope, figure if I leave about 7:30 that should give me enough time to make it through the Lincoln tunnel before all hell breaks loose. I'm not romantically stupid enough to think that New York rush hour should be something to experience. Sorry.

I've been feeling this nagging frustration over the last 24 hours or so. It started last night when I was supposed to meet up with Matt (the boy) at a bar for a drink. We ended up missing each other for an hour or so and it kind of killed the evening. I don't mind so much that we missed each other, so much as this automatic fear, and reverting back to being defensive because I think he's hurting me on purpose. Its happened before and I can't let it go. I really want to, I want to forgive him for the childish things that have happened, but sitting there waiting...as I drank my beer...and smoked cigarette after cigarette, the gut twisting fear that he wasn't going to show was hell.

In comparison to most people my ability to trust is horrificaly fragile. I gave up being able to trust long before I ever met the aformentioned, him, and he never got a fair chance to earn it. So where do I leave this unwanted baggage? I have many chips on both shoulders, too many to shrug off? I say no because I love him and I want to give him his fair shot.