"One word can bring you 'round"

I like change. Its always happening. Making things different and exciting. Sure sometimes it's sad, but it usually works out.

Matic has decided it's time for him to be moving on, and moving out. With any luck, this change will help him change more about his life, namely his job, which he is very dissatisfied with. I wonder who will move in.

All the housemates, myself included, have decided no more Jersey Drip*. It was fun times while it lasted. But all parties, no matter how much fun, must come to an end. We've all done some recognizing of things for what they are. So...party over, clean-up time. We're all happy that we didn't make a big mess. (actually barely anything was even remotely disheveled....which is pretty damn lucky) Ramworship has decided to join in with the ending as well. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't happy about his decision.

Apparently he's done some thinking about other decisions as well.

After we broke up, we took, at best, minimal time apart. We'd still hang out as friends, and talk all the time. When I moved to Collingswood he and I even continued being "friends w/benefits" (which I would say is "very high school" but for the fact I didn't have a boyfriend in high school) We never really separated. This worries me a bit. Honestly, I did ask him several nights ago, before we fell asleep, "what are we doing?....No pressure, don't answer now, I'm just curious."
Last night he gave me an answer. We agreed starting that conversation at 2 am was not the way to go at least.

I guess my hesitation is just wondering....is this really what he wants? I know I'll always love him, but I still feel if he's not happy that I don't want to be with him. *shrug* Then again,the guy's 28, he's perfectly capable of figuring out what he wants on his own. Which I'm all for. (lol)

No rush really. It'll come up again at some point, preferably face to face. Until then, I'm not gonna worry about it. *grin* I don't do that anymore.

Its not funny...but I still laugh

Seaside

Sunday was......perfect, awesome, wonderful, gorgeous, and just what I was looking for. Mattie, James and I took a day trip to Seaside Beach. It was absolutely beautiful.


We got something of a late start, and hit a snag on the way down

But after we made it down the day couldn't have been more perfect! 85 and not a cloud in the sky. I haven't been to the shore in years. I love

the ocean.

We baked on the beach for a bit, until finally I had to go swimming even though no one else wanted to go in. Mattie "Doesn't swim" and James doesn't know how to, so I can understand his hesitation. The water was awesome.

After we baked a bit longer, we headed up to the boards for a bite to eat. I wanted to ride one of those obscenely high tie-you-in-a-cage and spin-you-in-crazy-directions rides, but not for 20 bucks! OUCH! We headed home after only to find on the way, that the guys were slowly turning into tomatoes! :/ They both got REALLY sun burnt....*sigh*.

I'm really happy we all went. Mattie and James (and Jason) are def my most fav guys. I love them :)

Home Furnishing

So Ramworship and I headed out this morning and purchased the cutest, neatest little desk for my new room. (My back and hips were starting to yell at me from using my desktop on the hard wood floor.) Its kind of funny how when you, you know, start shopping...sometimes you just keep going?

I found the neatest little fountain.



I'm really glad I got one. Only then we started grocery shopping as well.. There is a reason they tell you not to shop when hungry!

Me "I need to get milk"
Ramworship "well I need to get something for breakfast"
Me "?"
Ramworship "I'm gonna be here all weekend...I'm gonna need stuff to eat for breakfast"

And while that does make sense, especially since he's spent the last 3 weekends here [hehe : )] hanging out with the house mates and I....couldn't you have found something a little bit better for you than pop tarts??? LOL. The guy's 28 and still eating junk food for breakfast...and he fucking gets away with it!! Life's so unfair sometimes. [:) lol]

Nah I'm not really complaining. It was fun...at least up until he slammed his head on his own car door...now poor mattie's got a big lump. :(

pukey sick feelings

So last weekend didn't go so hot. (There were past posts that have now been deleted.just couldn't find the words...or the time to find them)

Suffice it to say two of my friends are no longer welcome in the house (by agreement of all occupants) due to their relapsed states.

I was hoping it'd just be a short term thing. That they'd be able to make things work, that they'd get straight. But I think that hope disappeared tonight.

I blame myself for getting them together in the first place. And even though Ramworship, and Johno, and even myself have laid out all the logical reasons I shouldn't feel responsible for their situation.....I'm the one that told BMC that Rai used to be an addict to. At the time I wanted to help support him....let him know that at least someone he knew could understand his situation. But my naivety, I feel, just helped in their problems.

Rai called me tonight while B-Cuz, Johno and I were out playing pool, she told me she and BMC were hanging out. That they "ran into each other in Philly"...

B and Johno just looked at me and said exactly what I was thinking..."Yea...hanging out on smack" Ramworship keeps telling me I've done all I can do. And I do believe him...because at the end of the day...I can't police them, or make their decisions for them. And I can't aid them in their addictions. I still don't want to give up though, because I don't want to abandon my friends. And I feel like I have to assume the worst, that in conjunction with each other, they're going to enable their habit until they're dead. And that scares me. Maybe a little dramatic...but its not far from the truth.

The worst part is knowing that I'm not going to be able to do a damn thing. I don't take being helpless very well. And while I don't want to just cut off contact with them...I might have to.

A week later

Its been hard moving little bits at a time. Lugging bags full of clothes from train to train and then trekking. Ramworship was a HUGE help yesterday, lending his car as transport and YAAAAAA! Now I have a good amount of stuff in my room. Still no mattress though. : /

Thinking about taking Ramworship's advice and just getting one off of craig's list since yesterday's picking up of stuff did not go well. I know this is really hard for my mom. And I know why she's not making this easy for me.....at the same time, her attitude (and mine) only serve to exacerbate the situation.

Some silence if you will....

I met a friend of Matic's about a month ago. We really clicked and have become pretty good friends in this short time. She recently started going out with Matic. (yay!) She and Matic have been friends for a really long time, so cool with the 'taking the next step' and all. Especially since the two of them just reconnected after a falling out.

Except that....

Now, when I talk to her, and she expresses her thoughts, feelings, misgivings, and problems with her new relationship, I have to try and be objective about my friend. Normally that wouldn't be so hard, except that...Matic talks to me as WELL! (When did I become Doctor Ruth??)

When she first told me they decided to go out, I was happy for them. But I also PROMISED myself I wouldn't let myself get dragged into the middle of anything. Now 3 weeks later here I am stuck smack dab in the middle of a relationship that isn't mine!

And normally, I'd just smile and nod, because I really am flattered that they both feel they can confide in me. But I'm also a little angry, because when they both started talking to me, one of the first things I said, to both of them was "I'm happy you feel you can open up to me, and I do care about you, you're both my friends, but your business is just that, YOUR PERSONAL BUSINESS!" I'm angry because I made it clear, when it comes to intimate relationships, I DON'T really talk about it. I keep a lot of what's between me and "him" between me and "him". It makes me uncomfortable to share intimate details, and my feelings are not being respected.

I don't say this to be cold, or to be a jerk,I love you guys, but I don't need you to call me right after and give me every detail when you sleep together! :/ I know you're happy and that's great, go be happy about it with your significant other though, please!

It bugs me that I listen to the two of them talking about each other, seriously guys! Realize that she's a friend of mine, and that he's a friend of mine! It bugs me especially knowing that I'd wanna help (cause I try to do that, help) but again, it's none of my business, and it's NOT my place. I don't want the responsibility of being mediator. I'm really torn between wanting to be there for my friends, and wanting to just lock both of them in a room release conditional upon communication!

The best laid plans are spontaneous

Thursday started out relatively quiet....................................................


Then the planets returned to their normal alignment, and a fight broke out. *sigh*
And the rhetoric came out. I'm a burden, I'm a piece of shit, I need to leave, I need to be gone.

I moved out in about 20 minutes. That might be a world record. I'll have to check on that. I am officially an occupant of 161 Frazier rd. as of Friday night when we (Matic,and I) cracked a lager and 'cheered' me moving into the last open room in the house.

I can only wonder how awesome my friends are over this last month. Its really a wow, and a warm fuzzy feeling inside. Especially Ramworship. (HOLYFREAKINWOW!!) I had been talking to him online at the time,

me "I have to go."
Ramworship "Where you goin?"
me "Umm..I was told to leave...again :/"
Ramworship "I'm leaving now I'll meet you at the train station"

He didn't ask any questions...he just got in the car. And wouldn't take no for an answer. (jaw falls to floor)

He went with me to Jersey, hung out with me and Cousin all night. (Put his arm around me while I nodded off watching tv) Then hung out most of Friday before he had to catch the train back. I really love him. Beyond past boyfriend-ness...Just as my best friend. A constant comfort. A giving, caring, and kick ass person. Ramworship is really really awesome. :)

We ended Friday night (Saturday morning) as we normally do. Singing along to Lateralus (while matic played along on his gee-tar) and watching old Monty Python clips. Good GOD we're nerds! :)

A boot in the behind

I've been in a haze since Sunday. I hate "riding a low" (as I've come to call it) because I feel miserable about being miserable. I know there's really not a whole lot I can do about how I feel, that doesn't stop me from not accepting it.

I will at least feel good, after, knowing that I made myself do things, rather than just lie in bed like I want to. I MADE myself do laundry, I MADE myself clean up my room, MADE myself eat, and (ewww) take a shower, becuase if not, after things start to normal out, I'll just feel bad about NOT doing those things.

I didn't want to get up and meet up with Melissia on my way to New York this morning. I didn't want to spend the day with her after I was done with my meeting at work. But I made myself stick to my promise, and I'm starting to feel a bit better. I don't feel like breaking down and crying so much, and being around another human definitely feels good.

For some reason I seem to need a reminder every now and again, not to be so hard on myself. A reminder that its ok to feel things. Not in a "I am a robot I have no emotions" sort of way, but that its ALRIGHT if I'm NOT perfect. I think "Mammafriend" once said to me, "you like a person for their similarities....you love a person for their imperfections"....or something along those lines. I think I need to start "loving" my own imperfections more.

Imperfection 1...Manic Depression. (This is NOT the end of the world!)

Ok, I'll do it.

I haven't been in a great mood over the last few weeks. Not because of the break up, even in spite of the new job looming...I've been fighting a particular urge. It might be that pesky thing that doctor told me about that time. But something Rai said to me a few weeks ago made me reconsider the situation.
"If you need to cry, cry. Its good for you, don't choke it off. And if you ever do that denial shit in front of me again, I'm gonna smack you!"
So....I did. I just felt like crying, so I spent (feels like wasted) half an hour, and just let go. Only it just kept coming. I had to force composure when I started to hyper ventilate. This is why I don't give in to this urge.

I'm kind of back to square one now. Just waiting until this "feeling" goes away.

Rainy Sunday

I got home from New York really early this morning. Woke my lazy butt up to grab the 7 am bus...yikes! Rode home a seat ahead of the Guinness world record holder for snoring. I'm pretty convinced he was faking...cause seriously...I don't think the human body can make that noise of it own accord...even with this guys likelihood of sleep apnea (he was a LARGE person)

No sooner had I made it home than Matt imed me. I hate to say it (not really)...the guy still puts a dopey grin on my face. (rolls eyes) We grabbed some lunch at Ruby Tuesday's before going to see Mr. Brooks. Interesting movie. The concept was pretty originally approached, honestly..who would have thought to make William Hurt someones Id? Dane Cook...well I have my opinions on Dane Cook, they sum up to the word annoying, and then there was this strange forced co-starring of Demi Moore with something of a parallel...yet still very independent story line of her own. Not sure that worked out so well.

Went for a walk in the rain later on, through Ardsley. It was kind of sad. They turned our old bike track (4 of 5 large mounds of dirt we would launch over) and "The Woods", a dirt path into Ardsley cemetery, into a "Wild Life Path" Umm...basically they got rid of the dirt and put up a sign to keep us "hooligan" kids out, never mind its about 10 years too late. We used to hop the 8 foot fence to get in there to play "ghost in the graveyard". Lazy punks today just cut a hole in the fence. (Damn kids lol)

I was really surprised when I walked past a tree and found myself barely 20 feet in front of two Doe that were grazing near some head stones. I sat down and just watched them watching me for a good 10 minutes. I'm not sure if it was the rain, or just how green the grass was, but they really were a gorgeous shade of red. The bigger one finally decided I had annoyed them enough before it snorted at me a few times and they moved on. Cool. =]

The SNY quote of the weekend
Me: "Will? Did you just quote Lisa Loeb?"
Will (my producer): *lowers head* "Yes"
Me: "I'm not sure who's more embarrassed, you for quoting her, or me for knowing its her you're quoting." =/