pukey sick feelings

So last weekend didn't go so hot. (There were past posts that have now been deleted.just couldn't find the words...or the time to find them)

Suffice it to say two of my friends are no longer welcome in the house (by agreement of all occupants) due to their relapsed states.

I was hoping it'd just be a short term thing. That they'd be able to make things work, that they'd get straight. But I think that hope disappeared tonight.

I blame myself for getting them together in the first place. And even though Ramworship, and Johno, and even myself have laid out all the logical reasons I shouldn't feel responsible for their situation.....I'm the one that told BMC that Rai used to be an addict to. At the time I wanted to help support him....let him know that at least someone he knew could understand his situation. But my naivety, I feel, just helped in their problems.

Rai called me tonight while B-Cuz, Johno and I were out playing pool, she told me she and BMC were hanging out. That they "ran into each other in Philly"...

B and Johno just looked at me and said exactly what I was thinking..."Yea...hanging out on smack" Ramworship keeps telling me I've done all I can do. And I do believe him...because at the end of the day...I can't police them, or make their decisions for them. And I can't aid them in their addictions. I still don't want to give up though, because I don't want to abandon my friends. And I feel like I have to assume the worst, that in conjunction with each other, they're going to enable their habit until they're dead. And that scares me. Maybe a little dramatic...but its not far from the truth.

The worst part is knowing that I'm not going to be able to do a damn thing. I don't take being helpless very well. And while I don't want to just cut off contact with them...I might have to.