So some days

You are the zen master, carving lines down a mountain like you are on a track. Blowing by people faster than you can see them and turning curves in a plow of snowfall. And other days you are the amateur who can barely make it down the hill and JESUS CHRIST THAT WAS ICE!!!

Yesterday, my first run was as the amateur. I barely made it down the easy slope in one piece, let alone with grace or dignity in tact. Banged up and bruised up I sheepishly made it to the chair lift, only to wonder that, I was actually going to do that again? I had forgotten how much it hurts landing so hard on your back, repeatedly knocking the wind out of yourself when you are least expecting it.

My second run was only marginally better after a superb spill off the chair lift. But the day was not as long as one would think it would have been. Surprising myself I continued down the slopes, and by my third run had gotten my balance, not to mention some of my nerve back and headed to harder trails. The spills still occurred, and I have the black and blue marks to prove it, but the speed soon overcame being afraid of the pain. Going so fast is intoxicating, and feeling the correlation between a slight shift in your hips and a steep slide into a curve is amazing. It's a feeling I never got skiing.
I like skiing, I even got good enough for a black diamond at it. But snowboarding, for whatever reason, is more exciting. I can only wonder at it, my center of gravity isn't where it normally is, I don't have poles to help me tweek just enough to keep me from falling. It's me on a board of fiberglass, and I love it so much more. Now if only I had a pair of waterproof gloves.

Common Sense

Says that when "battling" the problems, a drink and some P.J. Harvey are NOT on the helping side. Though it seems fitting, fitting to what exactly?? *is frustrated at self* It's true blog, there's a whole lot of clutter in the noggin tonight, and I REALLY don't (want to/know how to) deal with it. Guess I'm still looking for the "right" answers in all of the uncertainty. *sigh* When do I learn, it's not the right answer, it's what's right for me? *rolls eyes incredulously*

I have to

wonder lately because a friend of mine was recently put on serious medication. Personally I am vehemently against using habitual medication as anything but a last resort.

Advil-fine, anti-biotics-fine...you don't have to use them for long....but for his problem...well they're long term...and they're disruptive to his life, apparently they make him really tired. And while I know in the long run, he'll be better using them (and that's really ALL that matters) it still scares me to see him go through this. Course I'd never tell him that ;)

But then I have to wonder (because, head case that I am, I will eventually compare EVERYTHING I see inwardly and how I myself measure up to it)how is it any different than the "method" I use to sleep?? Really dependency is dependency when it comes right down to it. So it's not like what I do is any better. Although it may be more fun.

I've been

enamored with post secret for a while now. And while I've wanted to send in a secret since Miss M and Super L introduced me to it two years ago, I haven't. And I've finally realized why, I don't feel I need to be anonymous. This is my past, and while it does not make me proud, it is part of who I am...and I LOVE who I am for the first time in a long time. And I'm strong enough to admit without malice..........


Older and wiser I know I could not have stopped for anyone but me. Thank you for showing me you care.

Thinking of

everything bad that's happened between us, and all the reasons I could/should/would hate you if I were any other person. But I can't.......even if sometimes I want to.

I'm not

blind to what you're trying to (less than) subtly insinuate....I don't want to hurt you...I NEED you to understand, there are things bigger than me that won't let me go backwards, and that I have to say "no"

There are a lot of days

I wonder just "what the fuck am I doing???? Then I go back to being the happy-go-lucky headcase....

Ambitious people set goals to achieve what they want....what do you do when you don't know what you want to do??