Nursery Rhymes

There was a crooked man, who walked a crooked mile. Until one day, at the encouragement of his HMO,he went to a chiropractor whose claims didn't prove true. So he sued the doctor and the insurance company, and now lives in a mansion overlooking the tiny shanty he once called home. Which is a real shame because the shanty was built and lived in by 3 generations of his family before this bitter shallow man let it rot into disrepair. His ancestors spun in their graves at the injustice done by this smug offspring of theirs, snubbing years of financial poverty and spiritual plenty.

He left his fiancee, who had stood by his crooked side for 4 years waiting to set a marriage date, for a girl 20 years her junior. Shouting "see who'll love you now you withered hag" as she packed her bags and left, weeping. She hung herself, after swallowing half a cup of drain cleaner, in the motel that night before she left town.
He doesn't think of her very much, he worries now about how his new, younger, wife managed to slip the loop hole past him in their prenuptial agreement. The one that left her the sole beneficiary in the event of his death.

North Jersey

I'm in north Jersey right now, at my Aunt and Uncle's house. Its cool, they live in a pretty historic...rich neighborhood...they aren't...they just live there. Bout 45 minutes outside of NY, I can commute there pretty easily in the morining...I hope, figure if I leave about 7:30 that should give me enough time to make it through the Lincoln tunnel before all hell breaks loose. I'm not romantically stupid enough to think that New York rush hour should be something to experience. Sorry.

I've been feeling this nagging frustration over the last 24 hours or so. It started last night when I was supposed to meet up with Matt (the boy) at a bar for a drink. We ended up missing each other for an hour or so and it kind of killed the evening. I don't mind so much that we missed each other, so much as this automatic fear, and reverting back to being defensive because I think he's hurting me on purpose. Its happened before and I can't let it go. I really want to, I want to forgive him for the childish things that have happened, but sitting there waiting...as I drank my beer...and smoked cigarette after cigarette, the gut twisting fear that he wasn't going to show was hell.

In comparison to most people my ability to trust is horrificaly fragile. I gave up being able to trust long before I ever met the aformentioned, him, and he never got a fair chance to earn it. So where do I leave this unwanted baggage? I have many chips on both shoulders, too many to shrug off? I say no because I love him and I want to give him his fair shot.

Three

A friend of mine posted a blog once called life in fast forward. It sounds cliche, hell it is, but it's pretty much the truth. I kind of understand now why my boyfriend's friends complain about being 28/29. Kinda gets away from you. But I don't mind really, I still have lost weekends that I enjoy. Granted they don't normally happen on the weekend...but they still count. Wednesday, after Lost, my addiction...yea I know... I ended up in Jersey, with my younger sister first at a bar then at my friends place.

Apparently I blinked because the next thing I knew it was 5 am I was still in Jersey , my sister was hooking up with my friend, and I was drunk and had to leave for New York in 4 hours for an 11 hour shift. Things like that don't bother me, maybe because I'm 22, maybe because I'm me. I figure I'll catch up on things like sleep eventually.

Made it up to NY in good time, considering I didn't have any directions. Normally I take the train, this was my first time driving there from PA. Fuck it, it's not like it's easy to miss....I wonder where the Holland Tunnel leaves me off..... Don't roll up your windows, it looks like New York but its just Newark. I used to freak out about getting lost. It was my phobia like people fear heights or enclosed spaces. Yea not so much apparently any more which isn't a bad thing. Also my social anxiety in crowds...its an icky skin crawling there are too many people near me feeling.....also not a problem. Hell this job might just be helping my neuroses

Two

Well, I couldn't jump right in right?


I'm in a relationship with someone I love very much.

(BIG ISSUE)
He and I just celebrated our 3rd anniversary. We aren't living together,and for some reason...there is always drama. Here's where I roll my eyes. Over those last 3 years we've been on again, off again more than a urinal in Madison Square Garden. We went off in August, and were back on by October. Only the last one was a biggie, and the fallout is......considerable. The story is messy, and not something I really want to rehash, suffice it to say we've kept our reuniting mostly to ourselves. His friends don't care for me, my friends don't care for him. His parents have a problem with me (that they refuse to address to my face) my parents have a problem with him (and refuse to forgive) And all the while everyone seems to be telling us we're wrong and shouldn't/don't/would be better off/ not being with each other.

I'm a confrontational person. If there is a problem, I'm not one one to skirt the issue. I say get it over and done with. Apparently I'm the only one. No one that has a problem with me will ever bring that problem to me! They put my boyfriend in the middle and fuck with his head, in the interest of looking out for him. I have to laugh, they're quick enough to shrug things off as his life and his choices, but that never stops them from judging me. I'd love to just call it....but don't for obvious reasons. (For his comfort and situation if it wasn't that obvious) And I could resign myself to the near future, moving out of state, actually moving in with him, and just making my life with him. But I feel like I'd rather have closure.