High Speed

So last night was my first experience with the infamous "merry f'ing x-mas". As I understand it it was initiated by two of the boyfriend's, better friends, in a collaborative effort to alternatively celebrate, and simultaneously snub Christmas eve.

Which means there's a party, and getting drunk is status quo. I see no problem with this. *smirk* Football was watched, conversation was...conversated.....(don't ask) and it snowed! I quite enjoy it.......easy to deal with once you get used to it and the loss of inhibition because of it meant that last night was the first night I ever actively tried to interact with the boy friend's friends.

Don't get me wrong, I've tried half heatedly before, but the whole painfully shy...awkward self imposed wall flower status had to go. It was easier, and more comfortable for me to just stay quiet and watch everyone, but I need to change things, so here's me taking a giant leap, in terms of my personality, and making a point of participating. I felt like I was going a million miles an hour, and I was paranoid that someone would notice, and yet at the same time...fuck it, I'm doin *it and you're not....too bad. hehe.
No the entire event was a blast. Presents were given, and set aside for those who were not in attendance. All in all lots of fun. : )

Music

What is it about music? A compounded number of specific sounds in a measured amount of time..and yet it affects EVERYONE in the world. Even people who can't hear it. Music makes you want to move, it echo's moments in your life with sense memory. So what is it about music that takes you out of yourself? What ever it is....I love you music. You give me quite a bit of joy. : )

During Advance Wars

A groan, of tedium escapes me
startling the fearful. Is this a test?
It has to be, otherwise I can't go on.
Draining, patience, drained vitality. This
paranoid, paralyzed this vampire
act's a little cold.

But I'm still right here,
giving blood keeping faith
but I'm still right here!

Wait it out. Gonna wait it out.
Be patient.

If there were no rewards to reap.
No loving embrace to see me through.
This tedious path I've chose here.
I certainly would have walked away,
by now?

And I still may....And I still may.

Be patient!
I must keep reminding myself of this.

And if there were no rewards to reap.
No loving embrace to see me through.
This tedious path I've chose here.
I certainly would have walked away,
by now.

Gonna wait it out. (Tool-"The Patient")

"Twirling 'round with this familiar parabol"

I'm in a Tool-mood today. I got drunk last night and started thinking. I'm not very good with thinking, I over think, over analyze, and then obsess...I try not to.

A friend said something last night that literally cut right through my stupor, like parting a wave, for the drunk to only slowly crash back. I have to wonder how hard I'm trying in certain situations. What can I do to make things better? To change opinions. And I do care! I care a lot! I'm not the type that can just shrug things off and ignore people. Whether I mean to or not things get to me...hence the thinking. So if this friend's opinion is really in this manner.....there's something I'm not doing correctly. But then this begs the social situation...what do you show them? What do you hold back? Its like political head games and every one's playing them, they know the rules and they know how to play. If that be the case, I need to get my ass in gear and play along. Or maybe not...maybe I just need to get my ass in gear and just fuck everything else thinks: choose a fucking goal...and do it, stop seeing all sides.

Nursery Rhymes

There was a crooked man, who walked a crooked mile. Until one day, at the encouragement of his HMO,he went to a chiropractor whose claims didn't prove true. So he sued the doctor and the insurance company, and now lives in a mansion overlooking the tiny shanty he once called home. Which is a real shame because the shanty was built and lived in by 3 generations of his family before this bitter shallow man let it rot into disrepair. His ancestors spun in their graves at the injustice done by this smug offspring of theirs, snubbing years of financial poverty and spiritual plenty.

He left his fiancee, who had stood by his crooked side for 4 years waiting to set a marriage date, for a girl 20 years her junior. Shouting "see who'll love you now you withered hag" as she packed her bags and left, weeping. She hung herself, after swallowing half a cup of drain cleaner, in the motel that night before she left town.
He doesn't think of her very much, he worries now about how his new, younger, wife managed to slip the loop hole past him in their prenuptial agreement. The one that left her the sole beneficiary in the event of his death.

North Jersey

I'm in north Jersey right now, at my Aunt and Uncle's house. Its cool, they live in a pretty historic...rich neighborhood...they aren't...they just live there. Bout 45 minutes outside of NY, I can commute there pretty easily in the morining...I hope, figure if I leave about 7:30 that should give me enough time to make it through the Lincoln tunnel before all hell breaks loose. I'm not romantically stupid enough to think that New York rush hour should be something to experience. Sorry.

I've been feeling this nagging frustration over the last 24 hours or so. It started last night when I was supposed to meet up with Matt (the boy) at a bar for a drink. We ended up missing each other for an hour or so and it kind of killed the evening. I don't mind so much that we missed each other, so much as this automatic fear, and reverting back to being defensive because I think he's hurting me on purpose. Its happened before and I can't let it go. I really want to, I want to forgive him for the childish things that have happened, but sitting there waiting...as I drank my beer...and smoked cigarette after cigarette, the gut twisting fear that he wasn't going to show was hell.

In comparison to most people my ability to trust is horrificaly fragile. I gave up being able to trust long before I ever met the aformentioned, him, and he never got a fair chance to earn it. So where do I leave this unwanted baggage? I have many chips on both shoulders, too many to shrug off? I say no because I love him and I want to give him his fair shot.

Three

A friend of mine posted a blog once called life in fast forward. It sounds cliche, hell it is, but it's pretty much the truth. I kind of understand now why my boyfriend's friends complain about being 28/29. Kinda gets away from you. But I don't mind really, I still have lost weekends that I enjoy. Granted they don't normally happen on the weekend...but they still count. Wednesday, after Lost, my addiction...yea I know... I ended up in Jersey, with my younger sister first at a bar then at my friends place.

Apparently I blinked because the next thing I knew it was 5 am I was still in Jersey , my sister was hooking up with my friend, and I was drunk and had to leave for New York in 4 hours for an 11 hour shift. Things like that don't bother me, maybe because I'm 22, maybe because I'm me. I figure I'll catch up on things like sleep eventually.

Made it up to NY in good time, considering I didn't have any directions. Normally I take the train, this was my first time driving there from PA. Fuck it, it's not like it's easy to miss....I wonder where the Holland Tunnel leaves me off..... Don't roll up your windows, it looks like New York but its just Newark. I used to freak out about getting lost. It was my phobia like people fear heights or enclosed spaces. Yea not so much apparently any more which isn't a bad thing. Also my social anxiety in crowds...its an icky skin crawling there are too many people near me feeling.....also not a problem. Hell this job might just be helping my neuroses

Two

Well, I couldn't jump right in right?


I'm in a relationship with someone I love very much.

(BIG ISSUE)
He and I just celebrated our 3rd anniversary. We aren't living together,and for some reason...there is always drama. Here's where I roll my eyes. Over those last 3 years we've been on again, off again more than a urinal in Madison Square Garden. We went off in August, and were back on by October. Only the last one was a biggie, and the fallout is......considerable. The story is messy, and not something I really want to rehash, suffice it to say we've kept our reuniting mostly to ourselves. His friends don't care for me, my friends don't care for him. His parents have a problem with me (that they refuse to address to my face) my parents have a problem with him (and refuse to forgive) And all the while everyone seems to be telling us we're wrong and shouldn't/don't/would be better off/ not being with each other.

I'm a confrontational person. If there is a problem, I'm not one one to skirt the issue. I say get it over and done with. Apparently I'm the only one. No one that has a problem with me will ever bring that problem to me! They put my boyfriend in the middle and fuck with his head, in the interest of looking out for him. I have to laugh, they're quick enough to shrug things off as his life and his choices, but that never stops them from judging me. I'd love to just call it....but don't for obvious reasons. (For his comfort and situation if it wasn't that obvious) And I could resign myself to the near future, moving out of state, actually moving in with him, and just making my life with him. But I feel like I'd rather have closure.