Lines

My mom called me from the beach down in Ocean City Maryland yesterday morning. It's become a little family tradition when you're on the beach, you call everyone else and tell them how nice it is. :D

We chatted for a bit, the weather is apparently beautiful, the water is warmer than she's used to, and the beach is shorter. Eventually we started talking about other stuff, namely my younger sister. HOLY COW she just started her SECOND year in COLLEGE!!!!! (YIPE) New roommates, new classes (she's kind of changing her major, sort of...maybe..a little[lol]) And by the end of the conversation I couldn't fight the tears. After I hung up the damn burst. I miss my sisters. Things are not well between us now, and I still feel like they don't want to fix things. But I did not dwell on this. Laundry to do (as always) and things to get ready for.

Later on boyfriend came over, and we played more Alien Syndrome (we're still hooked) As the night wore on he kept poking at what was on my mind. *sigh*...Here's where it gets complicated. They're my Achilles heel I can stone wall anything else in life, but when it comes to them..I'm mush. Ramworship gets very *angry and defensive of me when it comes to this situation. And no matter how often I try to explain that, no matter what comes up in our family, we weren't raised to let it come between our family, he still holds a grudge.

This is not to say that some of the things he is angry over aren't valid. To be quite honest I feel that the situation with my sisters now negates the above statement. That their behavior, and their anger are creating an even bigger rift.

BF: "Sweetie...it's been 4 years. I've seen the really good times, and I've seen really bad times. And while people do have their faults, if those faults are hurting you...you need to keep away from it."

A little out of context, that also had to do with me blaming myself for stuff that wasn't actually my fault. (ie not having all the answers, or controlling how other people act) I still keep hoping that one day I'll be able to find the middle ground between the family that I love, and the man I love. (Am I supposed to do that? Or are they?) All joking aside, I just want EVERYONE to get along again.

BF: "They're not being mature about this, and you're not responsible for their maturity level"
Me: "But they're acting out of hurt, and while I can understand that...I know it's "their way or the highway" whether the things they say are true or not."
BF: "I rest my case"
*sigh* all in all...it's going to take more time, and knowing the relationship I have with Murphy's law, it's going to get worse before it gets better. But, chin up...it's that getting better part that makes it worth while.

(That was concentrated positive effort right there! And a damn fine one at that.)

So...I guess this would be the "Put up or Shut up" deal. On the one hand..I asked to be full time, christ I've been asking since I GOT here. And my boss did make the schedule this month, with me...FULL TIME. 5 days a week. Which isn't really the complaint here. It's more the *other hand*...where I DON'T live here...and that's 5 days a week that I NEED to be "living" here.

YIPE! My Dad initially suggested renting a sublet, which isn't a bad idea, if for the possibility that over the next month, the new art director will come in, and then hire someone else full time that isn't me, which leaves me kinda screwed up here. Course there is the expense of traveling here, staying here, and commuting around. *UGH. It's all very overwhelming all at once.

I'm slowly chipping away at "Holy Hell what do I do" block...and with a little help, I keep the freak outs to a minimum. : P

I feel kind of *sick* (another day)

So my boss just gave me the schedule for September. I'm working full time. I'm not specifically hired full time, but I'll be working 5 days a week for the next month. *gulp* Wow how is that gonna work? I feel like freaking out and crying (??!!!???) I'll figure something out...least that's what boyfriend keeps telling me, that and options that just seem...so useless...*sigh* I'll *Fix* this post later on tonight...just needed to put this down for now. : / oy.

Saturday alien destruction

I got a call Friday afternoon, my boss wanted to know if I could come back up a day early. I *really* wanted to say no, but it beats catching the 7 am chinatown bus Monday morning so....

I wanted to be super productive Saturday, since it was my last day off (Until September) clean my room, conquor the laundry *finally* get the shelves back up in my room, and a bunch of other things... I made it as far as laundry, then boyfriend and I spent 12 hours together playing video games! (SO NOT KIDDING)

We popped in his awesome new game, Alien Syndrome, at 10 am that morning, and didn't turn it off until 10pm. Stopping only momentarily for snack breaks.

THIS. GAME. OWNES!!!!

It's a 3rd person perspective shooter with controls, maps, and objectives much like Halo. Doesn't bother me one bit! Granted we don't get to drive a tank (at least not yet) but the animation isn't bad, there's the added bonus of equipping yourself with armor and weapons that you can upgrade as you go along, and there's very little lag, if any. Seriously, the hours just get sucked into that strange black hole of distraction.


Me: "Let's stop"
Boyfriend: "Yea my brain is mush"
Boyfriend: "What time is it?"
Me: *lauging* "Holy shit! 10 o'clock"
Boyfriend: "Jee-sus!"


****** We recently got a new roommate, his name is Joe, and he's Brian's (Cousin's) best childhood friend...He's a nice guy....but he's a lunk head**********

Lunk: "Hey J"
Me: "Yea"
Lunk: "Come watch this...Bob Saget's special on HBO*"
****We recently got cable again....eh (still not going to watch too much)*******
Me: *Turns to boyfriend* "Why when he see's Bob Saget does he automatically think of me??"
Boyfriend: *shrugs*

In all fairness, his standup is REALLY funny. It's a great juxtaposition from the "Bob Saget" everyone thinks of...all nice and wholesome....dude...his comedy is TOTALLY RAUNCHY!

I definitely would not call the day wasted, since thinking about it, I wouldn't rather have been doing anything else, with anyone else. : D

Habits

Boyfriend: *walks behind James, who is sitting at computer*
Boyfriend: *plunks down on bed, digs into pint of ice cream*
Me: *turns....watches....*
Me:..."How do you CHEW ice cream???"
Boyfriend: *stares blankly......grins...starts to laugh...continues to chew*
Me: *Amazed look*

*Follow up

I got an *UBER helpful comment on my last post. =) Yay!

I think, barring next week, this is the longest stretch I've ever been up here, 6 days in a row. Which isn't really that long...but being here everyday, it really is. LOL.

Just before my eyelids got too heavy last night, and my book slid onto my face (to stay there until my alarm went off)a thought occurred to me (odd since you'd think I'd be concentrating on the book *shrug*) Does the size of New York intimidate me? Is that why I've been so gripey about it?? Do I really feel this place is just *too big* for a smaller city gal like myself? I don't know if Philadelphia fits because it's been *my city* all my life, or if it really is just the right size for me.

Whatever the reason, my little stubborn determined head voice has decided that New York gets its own chance again. I'm going to stop whining about how now "I don't really even want to work in New York anymore" and finally see this city for what it is. Because whether I like it or not, opportunity is knocking, and it would be negligible for me to let silly fears like a city being *to big* jeopardize them.

I was walking through the morning rush of Penn Station this morning, and while I hate crowds..I saw *it* the rush, the commute...the living crowd of bodies going somewhere, and then me smack dab in the middle. It felt nice to be excited again. So I'm going to honestly really try HARD to get this job full time. Harder than I ever thought I could. No more meekly shying away from bosses, or skirting around my points. "I want this job, what do I have to show you for you to want me to have it too." *Gulp* Big Smiles, and be confident (especially if I don't feel it lol!)

Right-o! =)

really NOT midlife!

A really good opportunity has recently presented itself in New York. 1/2 of the "art department" here at CSNY have moved on to other networks and jobs. This leaves a BIG understaffed gap, one I am now filling. So, now my job requires me talking to a few "higher ups" putting me into "hire me full time" mode.

There's just one problem...I don't know that I really want to do this anymore. "Get in full time, and find something else." Was the advice from my dad. Sound and practical...there's just one problem...it's not just this...its ALL of THIS!

I started out animating, and I loved it! Now working at a tv station, (I haven't animated in MONTHS) I like working in the control room, or operating the camera. But I don't know that I won't get bored with that. And like any profession, it takes a lot to keep up with animation. (Not that I was ever very good to begin with) Both technique, and technology. I need to start reading quite a few magazines, religiously again, 3D World for one. Animation World Magazine for another.

And yet, there's this completely opposite part of me that thinks..."How hard is it to work on a farm?" .........ummm...what?????!!!!! Albeit unusual, I'd like to grow things....and use them.....or something. *blinks* yea...sure.

Other sound advice being, "you can't know what you like until you know what you don't like" My dad; again. And sure, it's constructive advice...but I feel like I don't really have the time to mess around "finding" myself and what really makes me happy. Why as soon as I graduated, and this whole plethora of possibiliites opened itself up to me, did I suddenly lose all that "potential" and "enthusiasm" steam? I know, I just answered my own question, but still...shouldn't that many possibilities make it easier for me to decide, and not harder??

Pepper Follies

Despite my most sincere efforts, my latest experiment is not forthcoming. I've tried every conceivable way I can imagine. I just don't like raw bell peppers. :(

Over the last few months I've been cooking with them a lot (they're so cheap at the farmers markets!) Baking, frying, grilling, and filling with stuffs (yay rice!) and in that state I couldn't enjoy them more! But then there's raw. I really have no idea how something could taste so different uncooked. I really wanted to like them without any fuss. I've tried several dressings, and hiding them amongst other veggies, but to no avail. I thought maybe I could acquire a taste for them, just sort of have it "grow on me", but I always know the instant I hit one...like tomatoes or spinach...yuck! *sigh* oh well...

On the other hand I made some TOTALLY YUMMY (charcoal) grilled green squash the other day, topped it off with honey and crushed almonds...SOOOOOOOO good!! I LOVE online cookbooks!