"One word can bring you 'round"

I like change. Its always happening. Making things different and exciting. Sure sometimes it's sad, but it usually works out.

Matic has decided it's time for him to be moving on, and moving out. With any luck, this change will help him change more about his life, namely his job, which he is very dissatisfied with. I wonder who will move in.

All the housemates, myself included, have decided no more Jersey Drip*. It was fun times while it lasted. But all parties, no matter how much fun, must come to an end. We've all done some recognizing of things for what they are. So...party over, clean-up time. We're all happy that we didn't make a big mess. (actually barely anything was even remotely disheveled....which is pretty damn lucky) Ramworship has decided to join in with the ending as well. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't happy about his decision.

Apparently he's done some thinking about other decisions as well.

After we broke up, we took, at best, minimal time apart. We'd still hang out as friends, and talk all the time. When I moved to Collingswood he and I even continued being "friends w/benefits" (which I would say is "very high school" but for the fact I didn't have a boyfriend in high school) We never really separated. This worries me a bit. Honestly, I did ask him several nights ago, before we fell asleep, "what are we doing?....No pressure, don't answer now, I'm just curious."
Last night he gave me an answer. We agreed starting that conversation at 2 am was not the way to go at least.

I guess my hesitation is just wondering....is this really what he wants? I know I'll always love him, but I still feel if he's not happy that I don't want to be with him. *shrug* Then again,the guy's 28, he's perfectly capable of figuring out what he wants on his own. Which I'm all for. (lol)

No rush really. It'll come up again at some point, preferably face to face. Until then, I'm not gonna worry about it. *grin* I don't do that anymore.

Its not funny...but I still laugh

Seaside

Sunday was......perfect, awesome, wonderful, gorgeous, and just what I was looking for. Mattie, James and I took a day trip to Seaside Beach. It was absolutely beautiful.


We got something of a late start, and hit a snag on the way down

But after we made it down the day couldn't have been more perfect! 85 and not a cloud in the sky. I haven't been to the shore in years. I love

the ocean.

We baked on the beach for a bit, until finally I had to go swimming even though no one else wanted to go in. Mattie "Doesn't swim" and James doesn't know how to, so I can understand his hesitation. The water was awesome.

After we baked a bit longer, we headed up to the boards for a bite to eat. I wanted to ride one of those obscenely high tie-you-in-a-cage and spin-you-in-crazy-directions rides, but not for 20 bucks! OUCH! We headed home after only to find on the way, that the guys were slowly turning into tomatoes! :/ They both got REALLY sun burnt....*sigh*.

I'm really happy we all went. Mattie and James (and Jason) are def my most fav guys. I love them :)

Home Furnishing

So Ramworship and I headed out this morning and purchased the cutest, neatest little desk for my new room. (My back and hips were starting to yell at me from using my desktop on the hard wood floor.) Its kind of funny how when you, you know, start shopping...sometimes you just keep going?

I found the neatest little fountain.



I'm really glad I got one. Only then we started grocery shopping as well.. There is a reason they tell you not to shop when hungry!

Me "I need to get milk"
Ramworship "well I need to get something for breakfast"
Me "?"
Ramworship "I'm gonna be here all weekend...I'm gonna need stuff to eat for breakfast"

And while that does make sense, especially since he's spent the last 3 weekends here [hehe : )] hanging out with the house mates and I....couldn't you have found something a little bit better for you than pop tarts??? LOL. The guy's 28 and still eating junk food for breakfast...and he fucking gets away with it!! Life's so unfair sometimes. [:) lol]

Nah I'm not really complaining. It was fun...at least up until he slammed his head on his own car door...now poor mattie's got a big lump. :(

pukey sick feelings

So last weekend didn't go so hot. (There were past posts that have now been deleted.just couldn't find the words...or the time to find them)

Suffice it to say two of my friends are no longer welcome in the house (by agreement of all occupants) due to their relapsed states.

I was hoping it'd just be a short term thing. That they'd be able to make things work, that they'd get straight. But I think that hope disappeared tonight.

I blame myself for getting them together in the first place. And even though Ramworship, and Johno, and even myself have laid out all the logical reasons I shouldn't feel responsible for their situation.....I'm the one that told BMC that Rai used to be an addict to. At the time I wanted to help support him....let him know that at least someone he knew could understand his situation. But my naivety, I feel, just helped in their problems.

Rai called me tonight while B-Cuz, Johno and I were out playing pool, she told me she and BMC were hanging out. That they "ran into each other in Philly"...

B and Johno just looked at me and said exactly what I was thinking..."Yea...hanging out on smack" Ramworship keeps telling me I've done all I can do. And I do believe him...because at the end of the day...I can't police them, or make their decisions for them. And I can't aid them in their addictions. I still don't want to give up though, because I don't want to abandon my friends. And I feel like I have to assume the worst, that in conjunction with each other, they're going to enable their habit until they're dead. And that scares me. Maybe a little dramatic...but its not far from the truth.

The worst part is knowing that I'm not going to be able to do a damn thing. I don't take being helpless very well. And while I don't want to just cut off contact with them...I might have to.

A week later

Its been hard moving little bits at a time. Lugging bags full of clothes from train to train and then trekking. Ramworship was a HUGE help yesterday, lending his car as transport and YAAAAAA! Now I have a good amount of stuff in my room. Still no mattress though. : /

Thinking about taking Ramworship's advice and just getting one off of craig's list since yesterday's picking up of stuff did not go well. I know this is really hard for my mom. And I know why she's not making this easy for me.....at the same time, her attitude (and mine) only serve to exacerbate the situation.

Some silence if you will....

I met a friend of Matic's about a month ago. We really clicked and have become pretty good friends in this short time. She recently started going out with Matic. (yay!) She and Matic have been friends for a really long time, so cool with the 'taking the next step' and all. Especially since the two of them just reconnected after a falling out.

Except that....

Now, when I talk to her, and she expresses her thoughts, feelings, misgivings, and problems with her new relationship, I have to try and be objective about my friend. Normally that wouldn't be so hard, except that...Matic talks to me as WELL! (When did I become Doctor Ruth??)

When she first told me they decided to go out, I was happy for them. But I also PROMISED myself I wouldn't let myself get dragged into the middle of anything. Now 3 weeks later here I am stuck smack dab in the middle of a relationship that isn't mine!

And normally, I'd just smile and nod, because I really am flattered that they both feel they can confide in me. But I'm also a little angry, because when they both started talking to me, one of the first things I said, to both of them was "I'm happy you feel you can open up to me, and I do care about you, you're both my friends, but your business is just that, YOUR PERSONAL BUSINESS!" I'm angry because I made it clear, when it comes to intimate relationships, I DON'T really talk about it. I keep a lot of what's between me and "him" between me and "him". It makes me uncomfortable to share intimate details, and my feelings are not being respected.

I don't say this to be cold, or to be a jerk,I love you guys, but I don't need you to call me right after and give me every detail when you sleep together! :/ I know you're happy and that's great, go be happy about it with your significant other though, please!

It bugs me that I listen to the two of them talking about each other, seriously guys! Realize that she's a friend of mine, and that he's a friend of mine! It bugs me especially knowing that I'd wanna help (cause I try to do that, help) but again, it's none of my business, and it's NOT my place. I don't want the responsibility of being mediator. I'm really torn between wanting to be there for my friends, and wanting to just lock both of them in a room release conditional upon communication!