Coffee and the smell of gasoline

I spilled gas on myself while filling my sister's tank today, I can't seem to get it off maybe its the fumes making me so pessimistic...anywho...this evenings rant over coffee with boyfriend

Be nice to me : )

I don't do a whole lot of volunteering, but what I do, I do loyally. The Red Cross had a blood drive at the VFW post, just across from Ardsley station. So I walked up and participated. : ) Normally it takes 10 to 15 minutes for one unit, but now, they have a portable centrifuge, separating your red blood cells from the plasma. It keeps 2 units of red blood cells, and gives you back your plasma. Meaning no woozy icky feeling afterwards. Granted, I've never felt woozy or icky afterwards, but that's not the point! (hehe)

So I donated 2 units, which took about 40 minutes, its very odd. When you get your plasma/saline back (they add that in for a nice hydration cocktail) you feel really cold, and kinda Novocain- ey. Its odd. Feels almost a little like your high ; ) but I didn't mention that when the cookie lady asked me how it felt.

Everyone looked at me a little strange when I started snapping pictures, but, *shrug* hey what else is there to do there for 40 minutes?? The Bob Ross knock off paintings on all the walls, stopped being interesting 5 minutes in.

Almost that time again!

Mattie: Hey! A Blue Jay.
Me: Must be from Toronto.
Mattie: Cause all Blue Jays are from Toronto?
Me: They are in the MLB! : )

No Title

Is it me? Am I wrong to expect the respect I give to others, to be given back in return? Am I wrong to want the same considerations I give to others to be given to me? If I am wrong, how do I change my mind so as not to be disappointed?

A little bit scary

I've decided to put some of my sketchbook art up on my flickr page. This is a little scarier for me than my normal snapshots, just because its WAAAAAAY more personal. But its my artwork and I want to be proud of it. Its the imagery of my life as much, if not more, than the photo's so, up they well stay.

Stop for a sec

Wow I slept like a LOG last night. Thursday and Friday nights were with Boyfriend, he's a blanket hog : / Saturday and Sunday I think I got stuck with the WORST hostel roommates to date, but I figure that was just because of the holiday. Monday I stayed with Mommafriend, (my god daughter's mom...my best friend) only her heat went out....yuck...slept in my clothes, my coat, and two blankets, and I think I still got frost bite. All in all, since Thursday I've been waking up every 45 minuets to an hour. Ewwww.

So I DEFINITELY enjoyed last night.

I needed to clear my head a bit as well last night. Mommafriend just got into a relationship (she's divorced) with a co worker. It seems great, they are really emotionally connected, and really respect each other. They don't really fight and according to Mommafriend "I actually think about what I'm going to say when I am mad at him, cause I don't want to hurt him....I never did that with (Ex husband)"

There's only one problem, one very BIG problem. New Guy is married...like 10 years married. And while I don't care to judge him or her about what they're doing, for like a million reasons.....I think it is starting to get to me. I was thinking about it last night, and the thought of it scares me. Mommafriend's ex is her ex because he cheated on her, Boyfriend's ex cheated on him, and Mister J's ex girl friend cheated on him.

I wanna say the problem lies in that there are "Rules" to dating. That society has structured and formalized how we are supposed to feel towards a "mate"....but I don't really think that's it. I KNOW the whole thing is complicated, and its all about emotions, and things you can only see in hindsight, but at the same time, its also got a lot to do with courage, honesty, and self control.

You have a choice, take new guy....he didn't choose to sit down with his wife of 10 years and say "Listen I'm having a problem and you need to know about it" He snuck around with a willing participant who agreed "His wife would just never find out".............I'm sorry....but....ARE YOU KIDDING????!!!!!!

And like I said....I'm not judging either or them, I listen and call "Bullshit" when Mommafriend tries to run it by me. Hopefully keep her grounded a bit. Its not my place to tell her what to do or anything. *shrug*

But at the same time...I need to get away from it for a few days, (we've been talking about it since Thursday) and I need to stop letting it make me uncomfortable in my own relationship. I definitely let the thought get to me, and I'm kinda mad at myself for that. Don't get me wrong. I love Boyfriend.......like WOW SO MUCH (in simplest terms)....... but that also makes me afraid. I haven't had much luck with people being close to me in my life. Its hard constantly shushing the loud voice in my head telling me its gonna be "the same as before" Its doable...its just hard. I now designate the rest of the day to "Not worrying about stuff that has nothing to do with me"
: )

that should help things.

Revision

New Resolve, no more posts like the one this replaces!
No more bummed out posting!

However, I am still bummed about several things, but those will be mentioned with time and hindsight.

What I can talk about is a book I read about two weeks ago. Two of the Boyfriend's friends (from the pics I've seen) are really into a book called The Four Agreements. *shrug* sure I'm curious...so I got myself a copy while Mommafriend and I were book shopping, and I read it. It wasn't very long, maybe 200 pages, if that, and it took me a little over 1 bus ride to New York (2 hours...I read kinda slow)

All in all, its an interesting perspective. The suggested ways of leading one's life are attainable, and more than just "quick fixes". The culture from which this guide comes from is, in the very least, fascinating in my opinion. And the mythological tie-ins in the beginning of the book are very grabbing.

Honestly, my own thoughts on "religion" and "guiding forces" are rather.......complex........so I wasn't particularly blown away by the book. That's not to say its not positive, or a constructive guide to at least begin "self healing" or "inner peace"

There were a few points in the book I had to disagree with, but that's what makes it a teaching, from a teacher, person to person. I'm not going to agree with everything. If I did I might as well shave my eyebrows, buy a goat and run after the first cult that crosses my path.

Overall though, I've never regretted reading a book, (I exclude the fact that I hated Across Five Aprils) and this didn't make me start either so *shrug*

: P

I keep meaning to make an entry since I have quite a bit to write about, and I just can't seem to "feel" like putting all down.....hopefully later : P

Tool...how perfect

So Boyfriend and i got to talking (while drinking) tonight. And we hit on the topics of TOOL, and Alex Grey's art work. Both of those have had pretty big impacts on our lives. I know I've posted before, scratching the surface of the importance music has for me, but TOOL always brings up my passion. In my opinion they're one of the closest bands to perfect as there ever will be.

The fact that their songs have key words making up a message like a giant puzzle is enough to blow some people's minds. But then adding in to that the MATH behind their songs, the influences of songs like Parabol and Parabola, and the music theory behind them!! ( I played piano for 2 years, flute for 5 and taught myself guitar) Its AMAZING. The change in time signature, the compilation, and layers of sound!!!! I might go as far as saying its orgasmic!

As far as Alex Grey is concerned, the honesty in his paintings is.....noble at the least, admirable in truth. And I know that sounds really contrived, and pretentious. Even thinking it, it sounds like stupid art jargon, but I really feel like there's a simplistic, natural, honest understanding in his work. Almost an enlightened quality to his imagination. I'm not gonna go off all trippy and say he's got a cosmic insight.....cause well...that's just lame, but he does have a very holistic view of man, and his connectivity and place in the universe.

Anywho....after that blathering.... Boyfriend and I are gonna try and go to Alex Grey's Gallery this weekend between apartment hunting.
: ) Woot!!!

Yikes does my behind hurt!

So I ended up taking a very long bike ride today. I had to finalize things with my mechanic, and my Dad was less than....lets say enthusiastic about driving me over, I decided to bike it. My original plans for today had just been to bike over to the fruit and produce stand in Glenside, and the Acme...but hey....going that far, might as well go a little further right? Well, maybe it seems further when your younger sister lowers your bike seat and handle bars cause she's short and you, (me) being a good 4 inches taller can't get the handle bar to come back up : P

Its about 5 miles from my house to my mechanics. I realized this about 10 minuets into the trip, that didn't bother me so much, but as I rode through Ardsley, and then into Glenside I began realizing....most of this trip was uphill....some really BIG ones at that! The things you miss while driving! Eh no worries, I made a pit stop at a 7-11 and grabbed a Gatorade : )

It took me just under an hour to go uphill 5 miles, not a personal best or anything, but since I haven't been on a bike for any serious amount of time in ohhhh say 4 months (and that's without big hills) I didn't mind so much.

Stopped at my grandfather's on the way back and chit chatted a bit. And then continued on to the fruit and produce. Wow is that Asian lady really nice! She asked me if I could make leek soup with that many leek...heads?......and I smiled and said "I have no idea!" She looked at me kinda like I was crazy but I didn't really wanna explain it. Shallots, garlic clove, potatoes, tofu, savory, coriander, parsley, portabello and shitake mushrooms, green peppers....holy crap what for???!!!

Well I found 2 really neat recipes online. One for Mushroom stuffed potatoes. And the other for leek and corn filled peppers!

Potatoes-243 cal. 0 fat
4 med. baked potatoes-bake 40-60 min @ 425

Chop 1 1/3 cup onion and1 1/3 cup chopped mushrooms-saute with onion in pan on med heat until mushrooms are squishy! (yes they say tender in the recipe...I say Squishy!!)
(I guesstimated) about 2 teaspoons of sage on mushroom and onions,
season with ground black pepper (I got this cool pepper grinder just for this!)


Perform potato surgery and remove the insides leaving about a 1/4 in. for the shell.
Combine potato guts and 8oz of tofu with 3 tablespoons of parsley, 1 tablespoon of spicy mustard, 1/2 teaspoon of honey (optional...im gonna leave it out next time) Mash (yes it says mash) and make it as smooth as possible. Then stir in mushrooms, onions and sage.

Refill the potato shells with the filling and then bake them @375 for 20 minuets top with paprika.

The only problem I ran into was keeping the potatoes moist...maybe next time I'll add more water to the filling so the potatoes aren't so dry. : /


Green Peppers-254 cal. 0 fat
Perform surgery again on 4 med green, red or yellow peppers
and dispose of their seedy insides.

Heat 4 table spoons of water, 4 large, chopped, leeks (green parts only)
2 minced garlic cloves, and 2 table spoons of minced shallots over med heat until the leeks are....you guessed it....SQUISHY!!!!

Then add in 4 cups of cooked corn kernel's, 1/4 cup of bread crumbs, 1 teaspoon of savory, 1 teaspoon of coriander, 1/4 cup of chopped parsley. You also have the option of adding Veggie stock to make it more flavorful I didn't. Cook this for another 5/10 minuets over med heat.

Stuff your now disemboweled peppers, and cook them for another 40/50 minuets....or until the outside of the pepper is wrinkly. They didn't give me a temp for the peppers so I left the oven at 375.


Things I learned!
- Jumping when you almost drop a potato in the oven so that you burn your hand on the top rack....is worse than dropping a potato in the oven.
- When dealing with tofu, use a bowl rather than a flat surface...it's liquidy!
- Most important...if at first you don't succeed try again! I've never been Betty Crocker, but at least what I'm making now is edible! : )

HolyweekendonfastforwardBatman!

Well, I can honestly say I don't remember a big chunk of Saturday night....which I believe means Tattooed Mom's was one hell of a time! : )

Jason brought Jenn, and she and I sort of buried the hatchet. James made it, and didn't bring his laptop...which might be a first LAWL! John and Spags (Ryan) came later after they got done work. We met a girl named Patrice at the bar, she was sitting alone and looked sad : ( And turned out to be really cool people! : )

Aaaaand that's about where I lose most of the evening...because the next thing I knew we were heading to our cars. On the way to James' apartment he taught me half of how to drive manual. "You're really drunk, so no actual driving...but its dark and you'll be able to get a better feel of where each gear is" Works for me!

James: "Clutch!"
Me: (Scottish accent) Which gear'd cap'n!
James: 2!

And that's about how it went all the way back to Collingswood LAWL! We hung out with his cousin and his friend Meg for a bit, who were at the apartment as well. And then... lots of sleep. : )

Actually not true...I crashed at about 3: 30 and I was up by like 7:30. PATCO to the city, and then the bus to New York!

Monday was LONG....subway to Chinatown, walked to the bus, bus to Philly, to the train, train to Ardsley and walked home. Strangely traveling makes you really tired! Seriously I sat for most of the day, and I was still exhausted....doesn't really seem right does it? LAWL!

*LAWL explanation- (Origin-SecondLife) When phonetically saying the term LOL the sound made is LAWL

Woa there buddy!

So, wow.

I suppose it would be a bit of an understatement to say that situations with family.......EXPLODED Tuesday and Wednesday. In fact it may be more appropriate to say that, in the blast path, certain things positively vaporized!
Gorey details aside, it was possibly THE strangest birthday I've EVER had. There was fighting all day : ( and the volatile dysfunction that is, just makes the tension here that much worse.

Boyfriend did his best to comfort me as I first drank myself numb, then bottled everything up as best I could. I know I know neither get filed in the "healthy" column. I'm not proud of the empty bottle of Jack, I can look at the bottle and know its a crutch only, but that I also threw myself into drawings, headphones with Pj Harvey too loud, and my guitar with the same fire. Dealing with the emotions (not my strong suite) needs to come in little dribs and drabs. I figure knowing how much I can handle at a time is at least worth something. *shrug*

I know even 3 years removed from this I'll look back on it with different eyes, I just hope I'll be looking at it from a relationship with them that is ok