Common Sense

Says that when "battling" the problems, a drink and some P.J. Harvey are NOT on the helping side. Though it seems fitting, fitting to what exactly?? *is frustrated at self* It's true blog, there's a whole lot of clutter in the noggin tonight, and I REALLY don't (want to/know how to) deal with it. Guess I'm still looking for the "right" answers in all of the uncertainty. *sigh* When do I learn, it's not the right answer, it's what's right for me? *rolls eyes incredulously*

I have to

wonder lately because a friend of mine was recently put on serious medication. Personally I am vehemently against using habitual medication as anything but a last resort.

Advil-fine, anti-biotics-fine...you don't have to use them for long....but for his problem...well they're long term...and they're disruptive to his life, apparently they make him really tired. And while I know in the long run, he'll be better using them (and that's really ALL that matters) it still scares me to see him go through this. Course I'd never tell him that ;)

But then I have to wonder (because, head case that I am, I will eventually compare EVERYTHING I see inwardly and how I myself measure up to it)how is it any different than the "method" I use to sleep?? Really dependency is dependency when it comes right down to it. So it's not like what I do is any better. Although it may be more fun.

I've been

enamored with post secret for a while now. And while I've wanted to send in a secret since Miss M and Super L introduced me to it two years ago, I haven't. And I've finally realized why, I don't feel I need to be anonymous. This is my past, and while it does not make me proud, it is part of who I am...and I LOVE who I am for the first time in a long time. And I'm strong enough to admit without malice..........


Older and wiser I know I could not have stopped for anyone but me. Thank you for showing me you care.

Thinking of

everything bad that's happened between us, and all the reasons I could/should/would hate you if I were any other person. But I can't.......even if sometimes I want to.

I'm not

blind to what you're trying to (less than) subtly insinuate....I don't want to hurt you...I NEED you to understand, there are things bigger than me that won't let me go backwards, and that I have to say "no"

There are a lot of days

I wonder just "what the fuck am I doing???? Then I go back to being the happy-go-lucky headcase....

Ambitious people set goals to achieve what they want....what do you do when you don't know what you want to do??

Went out to

dinner with my mom, older sister and brother-in-law after I got stranded at work today. Took a chance and ate curry. Actually LAUGHED with them on the ride back for the first time in...who knows how long.It's odd not to feel so isolated. Isolation is more familiar than anything else right now. Puked up my curry, I'm still "allergic" and can't handle it. (UGH!) Been sneezing all night (thank you allergies)and tomorrow is Friday. It's going to be a long day.

I think this is

Soulful, and heartfelt enough for me:

You and...
I are... like oil and water
And we've been trying, trying, trying
Ohhhhhhh... to mix it up.

We've been....
Dancing... on a volcano.
And we've been crying, crying, crying
Over blackened souls.

Babe, this wouldn’t be the first time.
It will not be the last time.
There is no parasol that could shelter this weather.

I've been....
Smiling... with anchors on my shoulders
And I’ve been dying, dying, dying
Ohhhhhhh... to let them go

Babe, this wouldn’t be the first time.
It will not be the last time.
There is no parasol that could shelter this weather.

Babe, this wouldn’t be the first time.
It will not be the last time.
We've been trying to believe everything would get better!

We've been....
Lying... to each other.
Hey! Babe! Let's just call it, call it, call it
Ohhhhhhhh.... what it is...

Oil and water!
Oil and water!
Oil and water!
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhoooooooooooooooooo

-Incubus "Oil and Water"

There

are so many things, that feel "bigger" than me tonight. Purposes, Spiritualism and Wisdom so much more integral to life than I could ever imagine....rest assured, I play my part.

I don't

want you to wait on me, because I won't be there. Go be great! I do love you, and want that for you.

It's never

constant. I miss you, and some days are harder than others. I feel the worst when it's all fading, and I feel nothing at all.

I looked at you

in the mirror today. I teared up and couldn't bring myself to say "I'm so sorry."

I love

impotent internet hostility like this:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jamie View Post
Well you know I'm for Thailand, but really anywhere would be not here and acceptable. I'll have two weeks of off time hoarded by then, and saving shouldn't be a problem. I just had 4 students come back raving about Singapore as well, so that's an idea.

Reply by Mike
Either one you pick, I will buy you a one way ticket.

Ya know that overly aggressive "mean" crap did intimidate me when I was 19 and 20. Now you just sound like a childish dick. Good luck with that buddy.

Am I...

tall? Or are my younger sister, and my cousin, the other bridesmaids I'm walking with in my older sister's wedding, just short? Either way we're having shoe height issues, ohhhhh yea...this is something that should take up part of my day. *roll eyes*

I'm almost positive

It just 'seems' this way and really isn't. But there's a lingering voice that says anytime I get pissed off and disrespectful my WHOLE family gets angry at me, and gives me the 'cold shoulder' But it's just my imagination....right?

My thoughts.....

have developed as follows: Life WILL knock you on your ass. Learn to enjoy the fall, and the impact, because you are LEARNING!!! And this is what is important. Stand the F*%K back up (because you can) and keep going! :)


In other news...no clue why I didn't post this back in June but an old draft:

6/14/08
I was on my way home this morning...just hanging around (read sweating my ass off) at Fern Rock trans. center...when who should call but Mamma-K!

"Hey Mom!"
"Hey Ski (she calls me Ski) what are you doing today?"
"Right now not a whole bunch"
"Cool...feel like hangin out? I've got some cooking to do for Father's day"


::::::::ZOOM!!:::::::::
I'm on the next R2 to spend the day with Mamma-K

We made awesome picnic food eat-able stuff, and a turn-it-upside-down angel food cake. Then we started making food stuff's for big Sister Shelly's Wedding Shower.

-HOLY MOLY DO WE EVER NEED TO MAKE A LOT OF MEATBALLS!!!!!!!

Burden of the Italian Family. It's a passed down tradition/recipe, so I swallowed the "Ick meat!" queasiness, and helped roll some balls of meat for frying. We laughed about the superstition of making sure there were an even number of meatballs...and in the midst of it all, she looked over at me suddenly...is that your face glowing????

"I love you very much"
"I love you too Mom"

DUDE!!! Just.....COOL! I was surprised to find how great that made me feel. Me=still learning at 24.

Vent-rification

If I'm snarky, it's because you push my buttons and make me mad. You've always been able to. You know you're lying, you know I KNOW you're lying, and it's insulting that you do it right to my face thinking you're getting away with something. Knock it off.

Yea,

I could TOTALLY listen to "Rag Time" music all day. :D

Micro-blogging

here beats the pants of Twitter entries. Granted the character limit makes you be creatively concise, but it's a pain.

I'm a newly converted listener to this. And no matter what I'm into currently, because I like all music (except country), I'm still an "early 90's Alternative Rock" child at heart :)

Sometimes I

Feel....frustrated for all the things I don't know. And all the things I'll never have time to learn. Not in a "wasting my life" sort of way...just that there's never enough time.

I will

Never again allow my willingness to forgive people, to take away from how I deserve to be treated.

Qualifies as "asshole"

Saw this on fark today.

For a moment lets just ignore the fact that 15 years ago...you NEVER even heard of allergies to peanuts...but in the last 10 years Peanuts began wreaking havock over the mass populace, tearing apart families, disrupting eco systems, starting wars, and just generally being a poor sport.

Cut the mentality of majorities catering to EXTREME minorities! Seriously, 1 kid in a school is very allergic to a food, so the (on average) 1200 OTHER students have to cater to the one?? Here's a thought to those who have the misfortune of severe allergies........PACK YOUR OWN FUCKING LUNCH AND TAKE IT TO SCHOOL!!!!!!

me minus Caffeine

I've noticed over the last two months, that I would hit these "strange" points in my days. It started off with an actual anxiety attack that I cured with going home early from work and catching up on a few hours of sleep that had been lacking in the days prior. Then the "fluttering" started. I'd find myself at random times of the day steadying myself on my desk and breathing through an odd pounding/skipping sensation of my heart.

Now I suppose any normal person would go running to their GP when something like this happens....but since our dear head case has a deeply rooted aversion to doctors (no real reason...just REALLY don't wanna go) not to mention a track record of staying away from Doctor's care long enough NOT to even really HAVE a GP..... I did a little research and have begun to eliminate caffeine and alcohol from any normal consumption. Which over the last week has effectively quelled said instances....which means I'm scott free....right? I DON'T WANNA GO! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME! We'll see how it plays out.

Thoughts on *honesty*

So I've been without my ritual *helpful sleep drinking* for almost a week and a half.
I've been without a sig-o for..I guess almost 3 weeks. And I'm thinking I should let down the playful sarcasm that I ride daily in my job and personal relationships with co workers and family.....

Except when I "let go" I realize that over the last few weeks, alone, I've felt more like "myself" than I ever have. I spent a really long time missing that optimistic happy-go-lucky-fearless kid my parents used to smile at. She went on an extra long hiatus in high school apparently, and has just decided to reestablish herself. I *grin* ear to ear on sunny days cause it just feels good to be in the sunshine. I laugh at everything, and while I'm still sarcastic, there's a genuine enjoyment underlying everything I feel...

There's a renewed sense of independance, which I LOVE. A feeling of freedom, to be my own person and make decisions that are ONLY going to affect me!

I've seen pics of the ex on Super M's flick'r page, and he looks happy. That's all I could want for him. I realize now that no matter how hard I pretended, tried, denied or ignored, we weren't on the same path....and that's OK!!!! It happens in life.

I've realized this before, there's a part of me that will always love him, and the times we shared. But I really feel that it's overshadowed by how excited I am at what's going to be coming at me next. I've been "testing" myself over the last week/week and a half listening/watching things "we" used to enjoy together, and I've realized I'm not willing to give up my enjoyment of things because "we" broke up. I will continue to love the music/movies/people/life/ I love, and go where next seems enjoyable. :D

To whom it concerns

I have an idea what you see when you look at me. I've been afraid that I've been seeing the same thing for years. You see the aggressive,temperamental control freak a lot. I know this because I've seen the same thing when I've looked at someone else my whole life. But don't think for one moment I don't wish to "god" I didn't have to be as tough as I am.

I would love, for one second, to let someone else take care of me. To help me, to let me off the hook, but that's not the way it is. I have to be strong, like them, I don't want to be, but there's no one else to do the job. I wish it were different everyday, but this is who I am, and I do the things that need to be done.

And I think I understand you. I'm sorry you've been coddled. I'm sorry you haven't had the background I have. Because my whole life there has always been someone there to call my "bullshit-high-horse-attitude" for exactly what it was. I've always had (several) someone(s) to knock me down a peg when I needed it. And you never have.
I call 'bullshit' when I see it, and I won't spare your ego to do it(They're overrated). But now's the time to put-up or shut-up and grow-up. You can either accept me, for the strong woman I am. A woman who loves deeply, loyally and fiercely,family, friends or Lover. Who would go-to-bat and punch someone in the face for you. Or you can continue to run and hide in your own bitterness, and immature self involvement.

I've never judged you no matter what you've done, and I'm not about to start. But this does not mean I don't expect you to "own" your actions. "Own" the things you do, become a better person. I still love you for you, and I want to continue on as a better person, and I'd like you to continue with me.

Gripe

I've been gripeing lately about the 3rd floor coworker that I am, essentially, avoiding at this point. And here's another one;

My Dad started calling me "James"......I dunno how far back. I've developed several nicknames amongst my family (as families are wont to do) and I'll even allow my close friends to use several of them (not that they do much..."hey asshole" tends to be popular though [kidding]) "James" however.. belongs to my Dad...it's just one of those things. So.....


You can imagine (if you'd like a laugh) my reaction when coworker tried to use it. I managed to keep my head from spinning totally around, and aimed the projectile vomit to the side. I have to wonder...does this woman really know how close she is to me flipping out at her? Advice?? Anyone? I'm really trying to avoid the whole "come right out and say it" thing...I'm not very good at that. (read overly blunt)

24

I got an *extra* special treat for my birthday yesterday, my Dad had off from work, and picked me up so I didn't have to take the bus..weeee!

We hung out at my parents for the afternoon and when everyone else got home we made hot dogs (for them), and mac n'cheese. (I ate the mac n'cheese [guilty pleasure]) With a "surprise" birthday cake for desert...

Me:Wait...Ona's not here we can't have cake till Saturday.
Mom: It's ok...I'm making another cake for saturday.
Me: DUDE! I get 2 cakes...I am SO cool!
Everyone else:.......no.

:)

Then we watched Field of Dreams. If you've never seen it, you're a crazy person, go see it, NOW! It's Baseball, it's the Costner, James Earl Jones, and fun at Ty Cobb's expense. It's wonderful, beautiful, and leaves you with a great feeling, because "Is this heaven? No, it's Iowa."

Awesome birthday!

Remembered

I remember........


It was an "extra" family vacation. The summer, I was 7 or 8. Rafting down the Delaware River with my Mom, and Dad, and both my sisters. The hours long drive up a highway to be bussed along the riverbanks, quiet and peaceful, almost like Valley Green Park. For the hours long trip coasting down the waters. Until I fell out.

I'd taken swim lessons before, but nothing like falling out of a raft. Abington High' School's pool had always had a bottom to push off of. Cold, safe sides to cling to when laps of "freestyle" got to be too many. Not like a real river, where the bottom drops away...I panicked. I remember calling out to my Dad treading water. His voice calm, cutting through my fear, telling me what to do. Stop. Keep your head up. Get back to the raft, and pull yourself up. I remember crying until he paddled down to me, telling me to calm down. "Everything's ok" The rest of the day blurs until we're home. Sitting on the back steps, my Mom rubbing lotion on my sun burnt shoulders, telling me she "couldn't help notice how [I] called for your father when you were in trouble." I couldn't explain it away. She went inside with hurt feelings.

I'm sorry.

Previously, on 'Things That I Blog About'

I've been listening to Our Lady Peace today;

Life is waiting for you,
it's all messed up, but we're alive,
it's all messed up, but we'll survive.

The last three months, this has been my life. Normal, uneventful, routine. And I wonder just what exactly I had been expecting?

I've found:
More patience for student excuses than I thought I'd ever have.
A coworker who scares me just a bit with her needy loneliness.
A personally frightening acceptance for the mundane.
And a new perspective on who I let affect me, and how.

As far as the last bit, well, I'm not worried about who judges me, or for what. And I'm more tired of seeing its effects hurt the man I love. It stops. Period end of discussion.

As far as things that are not so vague.... well the birthday is coming up. :) Yay! Should be fun. With any luck it'll be 'the gang' down at Nodding Heads, I'm excited, we all don't get to hang out very much any more, especially me and J. (Good news being that with his disappearing act he should be grad-u-ma-cating soon! weeeeeee!!!) It's weird having a day in between our birthday's this year....screw you Feb 29th!

Saturday should be freakin sweet with any luck. Meesh and Eddie invited me to go snowboarding with them. Some 'fallin down a mountain fun' Mattie was very excited that he will be working that day, and will not need to take the ride/sit in the lodge playing my PSP all day. LOL. He's still fairly adamant about NEVER participating in snow activities EVER again.

And if all goes well, I should have my new animation backgrounds drawn in Photoshop by Friday. :) "Normal" feels kind of weird, in a good way.

Tractor Bitches and Toms River

Everything in my crowded little head told me I just should have stayed home last night. I was tired, needed to clean, wanted to catch up on my downloaded episodes. (I know..but they're cute!) But you know me and commitments. If I say "I'll be there...", there I am. (with a few exceptions)

I HATE HATE HATE Fado's. It's a shitty bar, with shitty service, and shitty atmosphere...6 bucks for a strong bow! BUT they have quiz-o Wednesday nights. I guess I'm just a sucker for a girls night out that includes quiz-o. So me and the Moore Sorority clan met up and tested our wits. It was a good time, met some interesting new people, and went down in a blaze of rowdy glory. (we came in something like 5th) Hop the trolley back to Mel's then head home...except...oil light?? Oh...there's that burnt hair smell again.

So quick stop at a BP, throw in a quart...*Expletive!* Did I really just drop the oil cover INTO the engine!!!! *Expletive! expletive! expletive!!!* Now all good common sense says you NEVER reach into a hot engine to get ANYTHING. But 12:30 at night, outside a gas station, along the East River Drive, common sense can shut it's cake hole.

Hmm...could that sizzling sound possibly be related to the now really bad pain in my forearm??? Why, yes! It is! Then the oil cap fell even FURTHER into the engine, thankfully just on top of the shelf right under the radiator grill. Sacrificing any remaining dignity, I wriggled underneath the car, and got it out from there. Oh...a stain on my coat...that's nice..thanks. *Sigh*

It's 1 am by the time I get home, and what's that...Oh the dog threw up on the floor...yes this completes things nicely thank you.

Some days...the only thing you can do is laugh.

Religion, or the 45 minute class before lunch in grade school

Simply put...


I think the "idea" of religion is obsolete to me because at this point in time, in the history of man, it works against logic. It no longer works to explain things, it regresses knowledge to a mid-evil stereotype and we're smarter than that!

Faith......on the other hand is a different entity. Faith you cannot create. It's there or it isn't, depending upon subject matter. I really don't think you have a choice as to what you have faith in. Science, fate, god, "reality" or a flying spaghetti monster......if it makes enough sense to you to seem real, you're going to believe in it. It's funny, because a priest once told me that"faith will be your saving grace." He inferred faith in Jesus Christ, sure, but he didn't say faith in JC. And really, isn't that what drives people? Just faith? In a relative way, who is faithless? Everyone believes is something........

Ventilation

Ok, so today was not so much the good day. And while a good bit of the latter part of the day was spent being tearful, and dwelling on things, I've since stopped. I thought, at the time, all I ended up with was a bad mood and some bruised knuckles (I miss boxing classes at the gym). But, after a little thought, I am actually over it! HA! :D Positive steps.

I normally like to think that I don't believe in regrets. That, even when things go wrong, at least there is a lesson to be learned. Something very personal started this line of thinking a few years back, but now I have to question, do I regret some of my decisions?

Like leaving home. It still seems like a necessary step in my life, but it also caused some serious rifts to become even more solidified. And now those rifts, which I guess just weren't so obvious before, hurt a good bit. And since I routinely take every event and blame myself for it, whether I'm at fault or not....well..we're back to the not so good a day.

On an interesting note, I've started looking at wedding dresses...which just makes the whole "surreal wedding" less surreal. YIPE!

Monkey Killing

I'm listening to Tool's "Monkey Killing" off of '10,000 Days'. And I'm reminded of the discussion I over heard New Year's Eve concerning the story of 'Ishmael'. Now, while it must first be stated that I have not read the book, I do have a general understanding of the synopsis.

I have no opinions on the story itself (as I haven't read it) but listening to this song something occurred to me. Ishmael is from the perspective of an Ape. A Guerrilla if I'm not mistaken. Species separated by mere chromosomes. The same self righteousness, and judgment can be found in a narrative from a like species. And while both were written by humans, "Monkey Killing" ventures into the abstract. The un-relateable. The unknown. The Observation of "Angels" on humans without judgment. And I suppose that is the significance... The lack of judgment that humans cannot seem to overcome. The comparison of one to another, rather than simple existence.

"Angels on the sideline,
Puzzled and amused.
Why did Father give these humans free will?
Now they're all confused.

Don't these talking monkeys know that
Eden has enough to go around?
Plenty in this holy garden, silly old monkeys,
Wonders when you're bound to divide it

Right in two

Angels on the sideline,
Baffled and confused.
Father blessed them all with reason.
And this is what they choose.
(and this is what they choose)
Monkey killing monkey killing monkey
Over pieces of the ground.

Silly monkeys given thumbs,
They forge a blade,
And brothers wonder
bound to divide it,

Right in two.
Right in two.

Monkey killing monkey killing monkey
Over pieces of the ground.
Silly monkeys give them thumbs,
They make a club
And beat their brother..down.
How they survive so misguided is a mystery.
Repugnant IS THE CREATURE WHO WOULD SQUANDER THE ABILITY TO LIFT AN EYE
TO HEAVEN CONSCIOUS OF THIS FLEETING TIME HERE

Cutting it all right in two (x4)

Fight over the clouds, over wind, over sky
Fight over life, over blood, over prayer, overhead and light
Fight over love, over sun, over another
Fight...

Angels on the sideline again
BEEN SO LONG WITH patience and reason
Angels on the sideline again
Wondering when this tug of war will end


Cutting it all right in two (x3)
Right in two

Right in two... "
-Tool 'Monkey Killing'

H4H

Other than the pertinent,what was on the mind last night :( .... I had a FANTASTIC EXPERIENCE this weekend. (As if there were any doubt!) Saturday morning I woke my sleepy self up and drove out to the Emerald Hollow Habitat for Humanity site.

It's a bit of a hike from where I am, but on a Saturday morning, it isn't that big a deal to go up 309 to Trumbaursville. I've worked on phase 1 a few times over the last few years, laying cinder block foundation, joist-ing floors, and putting up dry wall. This time was different. We spent all Saturday painting the entire interior of a house for a person I actually got to meet. Her name was Lee, she and her 4 kids (2 boys and twin girls) were moving into the house soon, and *gasp*! the carpet guys were coming TUESDAY!!! So the whole house needed to be painted, the kitchen needed it's cabinets installed, and we needed to scrape ALL the paint/Spackle off the floor.

This is the first time I've gotten to meet a "house buyer" and gotten to work with them, and putting a face with the house only make the whole day better! I LOVE volunteering for build days. With any luck I'll be able to do a bunch more, including women's build. :) I feel like I could easily make this a Saturday "thing", as it's really fulfilling. I'm still a bit sore in the shoulders area, but it's fading fast. I really can't wait to do it again. :D

Fears

I was getting ready for bed tonight, and I heard the dog running around the kitchen, with something scraping across the floor. Wondering why she would be running around with the leash I went downstairs to find my grandfather had fallen on the front step and gotten....well...stuck.

I knew things like this were a possibility when I moved in to "help him out". Essentially this is the epitome of why he can't live alone anymore. Only it's still frightening. The thought of him hurting himself means the thought that I'm his only help. And that frightens me even more.

I'm almost scared to go to work tomorrow...*sigh*