How did it go?

I've been thinking of returning to my "roots" lately. But what am I looking to find there? Easy, what I'm always looking for; the "right" answers. When am I going to learn that a lot of times, there is no "right/correct/perfect" answer? When am I going to accept that the answers..are what I choose for myself?


My thoughts on how it would play out:

"Bless me Father for I have sinned, it's been...well...at least 9 years since my last confession...actually Father I don't even consider myself "really" Catholic anymore, though not for lack of trying. I know I'm not a "violently" bad person, but as a human, I have my sucky moments. I'm an asshole by many accounts, selfish on others, but I know all in all I'm just trying to go about my business, take care of what seems really important at the time. I have my good points as well..but.

See, the problem is, Father, that well my boyfriend, who just recently became my Fiance', doesn't really consider himself Catholic either. We were both raised it, and we both had our reasons for leaving. But now that we are considering marriage, I'm sure our parents(well at least my Catholic mother) are asking questions about what we intend to do. Married in a church...this that and the other thing. It's not that I'm feeling so much pressured to make a decision, as I don't want to let them down."

"See, the thing is Father, I haven't had faith in a really long time. In fourth grade I got mad at God for taking my grandfather away, and making my family so sad. Oddly enough, my anger, was directed at a God I still believed in then. But somewhere there after I just...stopped believing. Maybe it was the influx of knowledge when I got really interested in learning, and things got explained away. Or maybe it was the whole "God never talks to me" arrogance that goes with reading about how God, over the years, has "talked" to so many lost people. That when I felt myself start to lose my grip on him, he just let me go. Did I have to be a worse person for God to want me back?? Were "normal" "mediocre" people not worth calling back to a strong faith? And the baffling part was, how do you get more faith. There was no "faith" store, you couldn't buy more, and being told to "just have it" fixed it like kissing a gash you need stitches for. Even now Father, this isn't a "good sign" sort of thing, I just figure there's a shot you've heard this problem before and maybe had the right answer...maybe yes maybe no."

"I guess I'm just saying, I'd feel strange standing up there...here with all these people "watching" me...thinking I'm making some promise under a pretense that I don't really mean....Father??....Father???...."

At this point I've kind of stopped imagining how he would respond...either rubbing his head, or leaving the confessional...maybe going for some pepto?? I dunno.

Perhaps

Maybe it's how hard it is to "break into" art. Maybe it's that I left one crappy freelance job (I quite New York) for another (not really crappy...but not what I'm looking for). Maybe it's my, as Don Hertzfeldt once put it, "feeling of stagnation and creative loss in the field" No matter what, I'm feeling very picky about what I want to do with my "artsy skills" I'd love to be creative, but there are skills I just don't have a competitive enough edge on to make me successful. I can't work in graphic design. No matter how hard I try, anything else other than simple logo's and text comes out looking too "comic" to be professional.

When my boss says "a 10 second open" for a show, they're thinking motion graphics...and to my dismay a half hour later I'm staring at a story board I've done that you could draw looney tunes in. It's natural for artists to show their personality in their work. If you know me in real life, most likely you know how; bazaar, random, silly, crazy I can be... My professional peers think I'm joking when I photoshop my boss in a top hat with a handle bar mustache (I was re doing photo id's for the staff one day)or certain people I know cursing squirrels or defeating melons

Sorry to weird you out...but I really do think like that. So what do I do?? I hate to think it, but lately I've been considering "something new"....

The sound logical voices in my head...(my parents...I'm not schizophrenic!) keep telling me I need "something full time..."you need benefits...I don't want to see your degree go to waste." *sigh* Maybe I'm being pessimistic but I feel like I should start "bracing for impact"....this crash could be UG-LY!

The question (and answer)

this week=whirl wind

Monday I met the new art director, his name is Marc, and in true "new boss" form, he got right to work making some kick ass changes! Getting us a new computer for the art department. A "drop" (wireless Internet access) so that we don't actually have to jump from computer to computer around the room crashing into each other as we go. He's also been taking a very proactive approach to "reorganizing" our graphic library.

Wednesday I came home for a much enjoyed 3 day vacation! (I love days off with the boyfriend![he's not even my boyfriend anymore..but I'll get to that])

Thursday, was....fantastic, indescribably wonderful, unforgettable, bliss. Mattie and I rode out to Sellersville to see Thomas Dolby in concert. Yea, Dolby...like "She blinded me with Science"? Yea! That guy! :) We grabbed a REALLY yummy dinner at the Washington House before the show. Then met up with (I swear the only guy I know who can pull off wearing a bucket hat) Chris.
The house lights went down at 8 and the show was awesome! The guys got their *grove (and their nerd) on to some awesome electronic tunes.

And then this happened........

(Thank you Chris for taping..and posting this!)

OH.MY.GOD. Yea...that is Mattie..."was" boyfriend...now fiancee proposing to me, with the help of Thomas Dolby!!!!!!!!!!!!! He set the WHOLE THING up!!! I was...shocked isn't even the word for it! Amazed doesn't cover it, and elated isn't good enough.
My mom, of course, teared up when I showed her the ring, and the video. And laughingly told me she "never thought I'd be the first" LOL! She immediately started asking me what kind of wedding I wanted to have! LOL. OY this is SO NOT MY THING! I'm glad any "event" relating to this is still AT LEAST a year off. There are practical things that need to be settled first, like places to live and careers to start. Some money to save and debt to get rid of.

Which brings us to the last point....I got offered a new job! Which I've really almost made up my mind completely to take. It's at a printing company, and I would be the art director designing logos. Small, yet successful. I really think I'd do better in this sort of a capacity, plus it's only over in Havertown. (Delaware County...think Drexel Hill/Upper Darby area) which is GREAT!

Cross your fingers...with any luck...that strange, scary, grown up, responsible, not so crazy *life* thing that I've been talking about forever is about to fall into place!!! :)

H2O

I reiterate:

The Principal drawback of drinking 64+ oz of water a day is that you have to PEE ALL THE TIME!!!!! :/

Chocolate bug! :)

I had a TOTAL chocolate craving tonight! And while the vending machine in the break room seemed like the first logical choice (and I REALLY DID THINK about a Hershey bar or *gulp* a Twix) Instead I looked up online real quick, and headed down to the Godiva store a few blocks from here. They had *organic. dark. chocolate. covered. strawberries.*....HOOOOOOO-LY PARTY IN MY MOUTH!!! The strawberries were huge, and sweet...and add onto that some tasty dark chocolate....yea I'm drooling again!

I came back to the office (the strawberry did not make it back!) and did a little more research on the topic. Yay! There are some neat distributors but one caught my eye Their philosophy intrigued me. As did their blog

I don't want to go off on the whole "Industrialization of Agriculture in poor South American/African Countries" topic. It makes me sad : / Until I found, while reading the blog, this site. This is something that I can definitely be mindful of in the future...little steps!

Am I dumb????

I DELETED a post today..cause I must be a total idiot!!!!! (either that or a monumental "growing up")


But there's one song that still manages to kill me. Apart from the waiting through the remaining family trials.

I love living on my own. I love the Independence it affords me. And I love the communication my Mom and I now have, since we're not fighting about "how to live" anymore. We're apart, but I really feel that we listen to each other now. That we communicate, and RESPECT(!!!!) what each other have to say. Which is so important to me, now that things aren't just discarded with the anger.

I know how I feel means I'm moving forward...because I'm feeling things again that I haven't in years. It's tough, but I wouldn't go back for anything.

I'll say it now...cutting, something I've done, and have not been able to "say" for quite some time, ROBS you of emotion. It's no better than medicating with drugs...you feel nothing. And while life might "hurt" (and it surely does sometimes) you are stronger for it in the end! There is no greater proof of that than some of the most inspirational people in my life..Ms. M and her BFF... L. Two wonderful women who ALWAYS manage to live with their hearts first! Most of all my own Mom
Who, throughout my life has tried to teach me a great many things, including pride in myself, and pride in my family! It's time I start embracing her lessons.

I guess it's just human nature not to know how important someone is until you are not with them every day. The lesson is, I know now. And continue to use that knowledge to live, and mature, and be the woman I should be, everyday. (And just because...wow...OK Cornball me!!)

Pen-Pal!

I got my first e-penpal-mail today from Franka!!!

I met Franka the first night I stayed in the hostel this week. Apparently it was VERY busy that night, and our reservations were all mixed up. We stayed in the "emergency suite" which is an old conference room with mattresses on the floor. It was late when I first got there, but considering the circumstances and that it was just the three of us in the room, we were lite hearted enough to strike up a conversation. I think they were interested in my "token American-ness" and I got to hear really neat stories about living in Berlin. (where she and her friend Marie were from)

We hit it off very well, talking for several hours that night, until about 2 am (which granted is supposed to be "quiet time") and another girl came in and brought her angry vibes with her. (She was French) My second night there we ran into each other down in the lobby, and though we weren't rooming together, decided to go get a drink or two...or three..and hey...why not some shots as well??

We talked about "pop-culture" type stuff, music, movies, books. Our common interests being KMFDM, Tom Tykwer movies (Run Lola Run[which coincidentally I had just bought])

Unfortunately they left the next morning, but not before we exchanged e-mails! I found a letter from Franka, and I can't wait to write her back! :)

Watered down

Since I've been up in NYC I've been completely JONEZING for Snapple Iced tea...don't ask me why. I've had, 3? over the last few days, my first being a regular, and then diet when I took note of the amount of sugar involved. (YIKES) The craving seems to have been satiated this morning, so I spent the rest of the day filling up my empty Snapple bottle with water and drinking that.

So far I'm on my 4th refill. Ugh, I know "water's good for you" and all that...and I don't really mind drinking it, of course 64oz of the stuff makes me have to freaking PEE LIKE HELL!!!! I've gotten worried as to whether or not I look suspicious going to the bathroom every 10 minutes, so I've started alternating between the one down here and the one upstairs. Which is another plus, a flight of stairs breaking up my "sitting at my desk all day" non workout.

Tonight's my last night in the hostel, it's kind of bitter sweet. I won't mind not schlepping myself up there every night after work, but the other girls in my room have been really friendly, and we've started hanging out in the common room. Ah well...new faces next week.

*I'm getting really good at this "forced socialization" experiment I'm doing right now. Rather than allow myself to just keep quietly to myself and go about my business, I am (self imposed) required to spend AT LEAST half an hour in the common room, and NOT just with my nose stuck in a book.*

Jaded

It's funny working in a tv studio. Whether you realize it or not going in, you really do bump into professional baseball/football/basketball/hockey players!

It's also kind of funny how quickly it becomes "normal". I was talking with my Aunt and Uncle the other day...

Aunt: "So how was work?"
ME: "Good, we had a game today so it was slow in the studio after they did the pregame show."
Aunt: "So do you actually see Ron Darling, and Keith Hernandez when they're doing the shows?"
Me: "Oh, yea sure, they're around."
Uncle:*laughing* "She's so blase` about it."
Me: "Well, to be honest....they're just people...and well, Ron's kind of a doofus."
Aunt and Uncle laughing
ME: "No, I'm serious...he's like a game show host...or a used car salesman, I think the personality requirements are the same."