How did it go?

I've been thinking of returning to my "roots" lately. But what am I looking to find there? Easy, what I'm always looking for; the "right" answers. When am I going to learn that a lot of times, there is no "right/correct/perfect" answer? When am I going to accept that the answers..are what I choose for myself?


My thoughts on how it would play out:

"Bless me Father for I have sinned, it's been...well...at least 9 years since my last confession...actually Father I don't even consider myself "really" Catholic anymore, though not for lack of trying. I know I'm not a "violently" bad person, but as a human, I have my sucky moments. I'm an asshole by many accounts, selfish on others, but I know all in all I'm just trying to go about my business, take care of what seems really important at the time. I have my good points as well..but.

See, the problem is, Father, that well my boyfriend, who just recently became my Fiance', doesn't really consider himself Catholic either. We were both raised it, and we both had our reasons for leaving. But now that we are considering marriage, I'm sure our parents(well at least my Catholic mother) are asking questions about what we intend to do. Married in a church...this that and the other thing. It's not that I'm feeling so much pressured to make a decision, as I don't want to let them down."

"See, the thing is Father, I haven't had faith in a really long time. In fourth grade I got mad at God for taking my grandfather away, and making my family so sad. Oddly enough, my anger, was directed at a God I still believed in then. But somewhere there after I just...stopped believing. Maybe it was the influx of knowledge when I got really interested in learning, and things got explained away. Or maybe it was the whole "God never talks to me" arrogance that goes with reading about how God, over the years, has "talked" to so many lost people. That when I felt myself start to lose my grip on him, he just let me go. Did I have to be a worse person for God to want me back?? Were "normal" "mediocre" people not worth calling back to a strong faith? And the baffling part was, how do you get more faith. There was no "faith" store, you couldn't buy more, and being told to "just have it" fixed it like kissing a gash you need stitches for. Even now Father, this isn't a "good sign" sort of thing, I just figure there's a shot you've heard this problem before and maybe had the right answer...maybe yes maybe no."

"I guess I'm just saying, I'd feel strange standing up there...here with all these people "watching" me...thinking I'm making some promise under a pretense that I don't really mean....Father??....Father???...."

At this point I've kind of stopped imagining how he would respond...either rubbing his head, or leaving the confessional...maybe going for some pepto?? I dunno.