Ideas???

I *impulsivly* bought some tempeh while I was at the food store after...umm..church today :/ (it's this thing)I have to do some research as to what to do with it now. But I was thinking since I bought some asparagus AND organic egg roll shells to go with it, maybe I'd make tempeh and asparagus egg rolls. Well...maybe not. we'll see. Umm any good *beginner* ideas would be welcome. :)

Back to you

In celebration of several things, Ramworship, Mel, Jarred, Matic and awsimo-Jason, all met up at Tattooed Mom's for a drink. Sitting at the bar, shouting over the blaring punk rock we started the evening of dollar PBR's with a few shots. We weren't there for long, when behind we hear suddenly, "Holy SHIT look who it is!" And an old friend greeted awsimo-Jason, and Ramworship. (we'd all gone to school together) He, and the friends he'd come with, went into the back room to smoke, and Jason joined them, as Matic, Ramworship and I stayed at the bar.

About an hour, and 1 bathroom trip later Jason and the old friend, Kessler, came back up to us. I was stunned when Kessler put his hand on my shoulder, and leaned into my ear saying "Hey, listen about that fight we had, I had some bad shit going on then and I have to apologize" Surprisingly instead of being too shocked to speak, I found myself replying "It's in the past, don't even worry about it." We caught up on the 10 months we didn't speak to each other. Traded numbers, and screen names, and it was almost like that 10 months didn't even happen. Interesting how if you don't worry about things, life will work them out for you.

Volunteer

About 2 years ago my Dad asked my sisters and I to spend a day working with Habitat for Humanity (Bucks) on one of their corporate volunteer days. 3 corporate volunteer days, 3 months of no time, 9 months of no car, and I emailed Laura to start volunteering again.




I'm really excited. I have a penchant for power tools, and this is a lot of fun, run by some really awesome people. :) YAY

A Tuesday with the Lost Prophets

I'm an emo nerd. I know this. I've been listening to Lost Prophets** all day. It's funny when students walk into my office and look all surprised cause I've got "Shinobi vs Dragon Ninja" playing...hehe. Oh..I'm sorry...yea..I totally got a new job! *blush* Kinda forgot to mention that.

I am now the Educational Programs Assistant for the some place. (ask me and I'll tell ya) And what all that really means is that I do the administrative work (read paper work and phone calls) that the head of the department, and the Academic TA's don't have time for. I grade quizzes, keep up with student files, right now I'm organizing Clerkships for the students over the Summer. It's not boring, but it really is just busy work for now. I have no idea where it'll lead, or what I'll end up with, but for now it's steady pay, and health insurance, which is a step up from where I was. I'm watching the Flyers give up a two goal lead..and quite frankly...I feel a little happier with life. Thinking about getting some new tattoo's...my mom finally met AhabFriday night at Michelle's birthday...she wasn't pleased. I think her exact words were "Are you done now? is that enough?" Man will she be ticked if I go through with my sleeve idea of Don Hertzfeldt tattoo's.


This:



And:

to start with. I feel bad that she doesn't like them, but where's the middle ground? And I am SO not thinking about all that now. :)


*I find it HILARIOUS that they do a "Mod" video!!

Or maybe not

While I've been working on the whole "comic blog" idea, meaning I've got lots of random unfinished stories, clogging up my computer with a constant running of 15/20 photoshop files.......

Yea, it's not coming together like I wanted. I'll probably add a few...but I think it works better as an idea, not an execution. I started feeling badly last night, and woke up this morning feeling worse. The brain is working overtime with familiar self criticism...et all. Feeling distressed,like I can't catch my breath. Old thoughts are creeping in, and it's hard not to want the easy way out.

I'm excited to go to work Monday. But my attitude feels negative, which ok result of the crappy mood. But it's hard when no one else respects how you feel about things. I've held the philosophy for a long time, that if you speak something, you'd better mean it. (Because you can't unsay it) And hearing things like "when you fuck this up" and "I'm 50 I don't have to be respectful" (yea...I STILL don't believe I actually heard that one) *sigh* I'm just complaining at you blog. Sorry.

In other news I've apparently pinched a nerve (?) in my arm, and it's sort of funny because half my ring finger and my last finger on my left hand are numb, as is half my palm...and the bottom of the heel of my hand. (It's actually quite a distinctive line between feeling, and not) 4 days so far, funny thing is, I can feel when I screw it up again as it's healing. While straightening my arm, it's a funny "sliding" feeling, and then an "oh...that just got more numb" *shrug*

Anywho blog, sort of a boring post...but..hey that's life.

Soon to be new and improved

I hate to say it, but it was cute/fun helping my Grandfather to figure out how to use his Excel for his book keeping. Writing out formulas for him, and helping him get rid of "that damn annoying thing on the bottom" (the help desk animation) :)


Blogs will be slow from now on, because they will be coming...IN COMIC FORM! Which means first brain storming, then drawing, then photoshoping before upload...but it'll be worth it. My inspiration for said endeavor, greatness like PA and Hijinks. What can I say, web comics have gotten me through class, slow work days and inane family functions ;)

Squishy-Squash!!!

This evenings plans with Ramworship, fell through rather early this morning. These things happen. What better a reason to be productive! Instead of planning more and more and more (while never really getting to it) I decided today was THE DAY! My first attempt at soup from scratch! WOW! I picked a simple one to start with, which just happens to be one of my favorites (wink) butternut squash soup yipeeeeeeee!


with a little help from http://vegweb.com/

I've been (by choice) without a car for almost a year. And while sometimes it is a pain in the ass, it makes me do things like walk the few extra miles a week to the store. Today, I met this little guy!

I have no clue what his name is, or who his owners are, but he came running up to the fence ready to play!

When I got back, I chopped, diced, and sauteed the lot of it. After the squash..well...squashed... into the blender it went!


The first taste test was a HUGE surprise, which I'm not sure is a good thing. I actually made this face...


DUDE!!!! It was really good!!

Tally:
Two batches made (when the first one came out well, I immediately made a second)
One whole Butternut Squash
3 cans of veggie stock
1 large onion
8 garlic cloves
4 table spoons EVOO [I used extra virgin olive oil(hahaha I love that)
3 sliced fingers (whoops!)
1 Nose bleed (not really my fault)
2 containers of REALLY YUMMY SOUP! (I gave one to my mom)

Technically a month in coming

I'm....a weasel. Totally. Even thinking about this makes me want to squirm. I "quit" Comcast at the end of September. It became very clear I was never moving from "freelance" status(which wasn't even what I was supposed to be hired for) and that it was only going to be weekends....FORR-EH-VER!

Me: Listen [Boss type guy], I've got another opportunity down in Philly, and this isn't very lucrative anymore, I need to be full time. I can give you my next two weeks as the weekends or anytime during the week that you might need me, but that's about it."

Him: I understand, well thanks very much for helping out this last month and, yes the next two weekends would be great.
_____________________________________________________________________________________

And that was that, right? WRONG. E-mail after final two weeks...

Hey J

I was wondering if you would be interested in staying on, for Sunday's and alternating Saturday's through October, it would really be a help, just until we find someone else.
-[Boss Guy]

I should have said no.
Had a good laugh about this topic (and other's) with Corman before I responded. Of course I said yes..I'm too helpful!
So October continues, and I drag myself up to New York for my weekends some more. The real drag, is that there's nothing I need to be doing up there. I spend 14 hours a day in an office....doing nothing! Seriously, I wasn't making artwork anymore, I wasn't given any projects. I just babysat the room on the off chance they'd need a graphic that day (which they didn't usually)
I was the professional equivalent of a plant. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining about being paid to watch movies/draw/photoshop all day. I'm not stupid. But the HUGE wasting my time, really got on my nerves. Not to mention that I had to spend quite a bit to get up there, and stay up there. It just wasn't worth it. So at the end of October, when my boss was insinuating that he'd really like me to work on my Father's birthday (a day that I'd taken off for MONTHS in advance [especially after getting screwed for my mom's 50th Birthday])I'd had enough. And then....this!

Hey J

I wanted to know if you were interested in working Sunday's and alt Sat's through November as well, let me know.

[Boss]

.....in the words of Charlie Brown...AAAAUUUUUGGGGGGHHHH!!! (god I wish I had that sound byte!) EFF! EFF! G-D-it!!! SONOFABLEEP! No!....
so of course I said yes. What the hell is wrong with me?? I am a COMPLETE WORM! *sigh*

Then I moved. I was busy. I was tired. And it seemed like a good excuse. I deliberately called my boss' voice mail, left a shitty message saying I would not be coming in for the weekend. When he called me back, I didn't answer the phone. I actually erased his message so I wouldn't cave, and kept working on my move. I left one more (shitty) voice mail message saying I wouldn't be coming in any more, and got an official email the other day about job abandonment/effective resignation.

I'm a turd

In my mind I've rationalized it 100 different ways. The company sucked, they took advantage of this and that and blah blah blah. In the end, it really wasn't right. *squirm squirm* I really didn't want to leave the job this way. And I didn't go about it with intentions of "screwing them" because I hated my job. I just knew if I had any kind of first person contact I would have folded and hauled my ass up to NY to be more miserable.

So I guess the moral here is that I need to hold my ground. Even if I'm still rather "spineless" on the professional level. If I say no, I need to stick to my guns, instead of stammering, uh-ing and um-ing my way into agreement to please people that aren't going to reciprocate. (I know! I KNOW! Impeccable with your word...shush it 4 agreements!!!)[hey just cause I didn't find the book Earth shattering, doesn't mean I ignore it]

Checked; Deleted

I got a call from MammaFriend today while I was painting my room.

MF: Do you wanna go?
Me: Go where?
MF: Our 5 year reunion! It was this Summer, they're having a get together for it soon
Me: You are an insane person, no.
MF: Why not???!!!

UGH. Highschool? Where do I begin? It wasn't all nerd horror. I hid in Catholic School for freshman year. Gave public education a try for Sophmore through Senior years, and spent most of my time hiding backstage working technical theater on various shows.(Never a bad time to learn basic electrical work and sound systems) There were some fun times in art and C++ classes, 4th period free (4th period was lunch and class. Upper Dublin had this strange scheduling thing where the whole period was an hour and a half) It took me 3 years NOT to learn Latin very well. And 1 year to forget most of it after that. So WHY THE HELL WOULD I WANT TO GO BACK??? (Put it this way, I opted to NOT show up for the Senior class picture. I knew it was mandatory, but I was in the middle of developing some film. So in the darkroom I stayed.)

Long term friends are a rare commodity for this headcase. With the exception of Mammafriend, who I've known since 3rd grade, there's only 1 other person from highschool that I keep in contact with from time to time (unfortunately he's a bit of a headcase as well, and conversations are kind of...exhausting) I have a few highschool haunts in my friends list on Myspace, but I'll admit, that's just because I'm too much of a chicken shit to reply "Highschool's over, and in 5 years I still haven't thought of anything to say to you. :/" So there they'll sit, not being talked to. I guess I could make my excuses easier on the webpages than in real life. Not to be a jerk, but the thought of spending a night with these people still pretending to be interested, and trying to think of something to say, brings a migraine I'd rather not deal with.

update time.

I'm moving...again. Along with several other people it seems. Is it just the season?? It's back to PA for me (thank god). My Grandfather needs someone to give him more of a hand. My Mom's been trying, but it's too much for her to run 2 house holds, so I said I'd move in and help.

Along with that, I want to look into going to school for something else. I love what I've learned about animation, but lately I've just been feeling more and more that there's something else I'd rather be doing. My nerd loves learning the programs, and playing on the computer, but it's not driving me. And I'm reminded of what my teacher said to my class years ago. "The fact is, is that half of you aren't going to really "make it" because there's a difference between being a fan of animation, and being an animator." I knew I felt the doubts about my ability to "make it" then, and my situation now, because my efforts are not successful, is only getting worse.

Before I got into art, my first love was (is) science. I LOVE biology, and genetics. Enough that when I inadvertantly go off on something in way too much detail I get the "why do you know that?" look from my friends. (If you haven't seen it..stick around you probably will) I've been thinking more and more about nursing the last few months. How much good you can do for people, how much of a difference you can make.

It really is something I want to persue...but I'm afraid. What if I'm just being flighty? What if I'm not good at it? I know I can learn the material, learning's never been a problem for me. But what if I follow my gut, get into this, and it turns out the same way? Or what if I stick with what I'm trying to do now, and this was real? Like always, it's not taking the chance, it's failing that's the problem.

And then there's always the fun thought of....how do I tell my parents?? They're looking out for me...but what they will see first are the $$. Not that they're wrong, being very in debt is NOT fun. Being deeper in debt will just plain suck.
What should I do? *shakes magic 8 ball* Future unclear, ask again later. Figures, stupid 8 ball *chucks magic 8 ball*

The definative word (warning: nerd content)

Kevin Conroy IS Batman

Mark Hamill IS the Joker

and that is that!

I bought Batman The Animated Series: "Mask of the Phantasm" and "Subzero" this morning....GIDDY ME!!! Call me crazy, or easily ammused, but this show was hands down awesomeness. One of the first cartoons to be action packed enough for Saturday mornings on Fox and integral enough to be Film Noir! Seriously....you wouldn't think you could sell Film Noir to 8 year olds..but it was done! Conroy voiced The Dark Knight, and Hamill, his nemesis.
I've said this..at least on one of several places before, but any comic book nerd like me will tell you Batman is THE MAN. There are (over the big publishing titles) several heavy hitters in the comic book world, and Batman's one of the heaviest!

[On a personal note I'd throw out names like (Desolation) Agent Jones/Cal MacDonal tied for carnage. Venom/Lobo tied for alien badasses. (I leave Carnage out of that set because essentially...Carnage was the spawn of Venom...so) Barb Wire/Sara Pezzini/ (Battle Angel) Alita/ and Violet Grimm tie for the, albeit objectified, smoking-hot-ass-kicking-chicks! (let's face it..they're ONLY meant to do 2 things...look hot and kick ass). And titles like V For Vendetta/Sin City/Fallen Angel/Sandman/30 Days of Night tying for just DAMN GOOD STORYTELLING!]**

Oh to be comic book guy, and get paid to KNOW this information. Best-Job-Ever!


Ok so maybe not so fat...or any facial hair...but you get the idea!

** Granted there are A LOT of titles and characters to choose from, so if I've left anyone out, forgive me, and give me a hint.

My Italian/Sicilan temper

So tonight I had a situation come up that aroused the firey Italian/Sicilian in me. One of my roommates mom's came over to grab her mail (as it still comes here) and normally we all say "hi" with no big deal. Tonight, though, when I went in to make my dinner I found this note


needless to say I was a little bit insulted by this note considering that, while I don't pay that much in utilities, I do

*Do ALL dishes
*Clean the Living Room
*Clean/FLUSH the toilets (yea...my roomates are BOTH 28 years old and DON'T DO THIS)
*Collect/Take out the trash/recycling
*Clean the toilets/bathrooms
*clean up both roommates dishes left around the house
*clean the cat box
* clean my OWN living space
*keep the kitchen clean/organized
*Vacuuming
* Remind them to collect their laundry from the washer/dryer

Not to mention buy/cook my own food. After a bit of thought, though, it dawned on me that perhaps she didn't know this to be the case. Maybe she doesn't know that I clean up after the very basic of human tendencies. And she thinks that perhaps a miracle has happened and her son has begun to take responsibility for his own living conditions...yea Bette...no such luck...it's the girl roomie.

An "opportunity" has presented itself. And since it hasn't panned out yet I won't specify...but it'd be much better and full filling than being here, I can tell you that. If it does proceed, I'll be jumping on it!

Betrayal

I'm sure this betrays some, natural pride or holistic law of nature,and don't get me wrong, I greatly appreciate the human form (I draw it a lot)But I saw this woman today on the bus. Her arms behind her head, with the sleeves of her shirt riding up to reveal a tangled bramble of arm hair sprouting from underneath the edges of the cloth!... DUDE...ICK! I know it was popular in the 60's, and is in Europe to this day(depending on culture)...but if there's one thing medical science has proven, it's that, along with the fact that humans no long have a use for an appendix, they also have little use for so much body hair(or the muscles under your skin that give you goosebumps to "fluff" said hair)
Maybe it's programming from society, but that just skeeves me. Get rid of it! Just thinking of the dynamics of how that would work with deodorant. And...ugh then there's the thought that maybe she's one of them! You KNOW who I'm talking about. The people you have the misfortune of walking by (read; smelling) every once in a while who think they don't need to wear deodorant.

As much as I can respect other cultures, and their habits, like slurping their food or talking ridiculously loud into their cell phones, there are things that should be understood universally. Wear deodorant, and keep up with personal hygiene should be right up there with NO Goat Fucking! These are important human values (and goat values while we're on topic)

On the bright side, at least I know the differences are out there. It makes me appreciate my own customs more, even if that means being an arrogant, ignorant American....hey...at least I smell like ocean breeze Suave buddy. I don't kill Flora and Fauna(or Meriwether) alike by raising my arms.

Fall!

Yay!

It's fall! Well...close enough to the actual feeling of it. The days are still a bit hot, but the nights have that chill to them, where leaving the windows open makes snuggling under my blanket awesome! (I'm easy to please) I found some awesome recipes I want to make this season (Now that I'm not hopping back and forth to NY so much I have TIME to cook again!) First on the list, since I'm going to visit my parents tomorrow, are Baked apples. I'm fairly excited to try this since it seems simple enough to start with. :)

How did it go?

I've been thinking of returning to my "roots" lately. But what am I looking to find there? Easy, what I'm always looking for; the "right" answers. When am I going to learn that a lot of times, there is no "right/correct/perfect" answer? When am I going to accept that the answers..are what I choose for myself?


My thoughts on how it would play out:

"Bless me Father for I have sinned, it's been...well...at least 9 years since my last confession...actually Father I don't even consider myself "really" Catholic anymore, though not for lack of trying. I know I'm not a "violently" bad person, but as a human, I have my sucky moments. I'm an asshole by many accounts, selfish on others, but I know all in all I'm just trying to go about my business, take care of what seems really important at the time. I have my good points as well..but.

See, the problem is, Father, that well my boyfriend, who just recently became my Fiance', doesn't really consider himself Catholic either. We were both raised it, and we both had our reasons for leaving. But now that we are considering marriage, I'm sure our parents(well at least my Catholic mother) are asking questions about what we intend to do. Married in a church...this that and the other thing. It's not that I'm feeling so much pressured to make a decision, as I don't want to let them down."

"See, the thing is Father, I haven't had faith in a really long time. In fourth grade I got mad at God for taking my grandfather away, and making my family so sad. Oddly enough, my anger, was directed at a God I still believed in then. But somewhere there after I just...stopped believing. Maybe it was the influx of knowledge when I got really interested in learning, and things got explained away. Or maybe it was the whole "God never talks to me" arrogance that goes with reading about how God, over the years, has "talked" to so many lost people. That when I felt myself start to lose my grip on him, he just let me go. Did I have to be a worse person for God to want me back?? Were "normal" "mediocre" people not worth calling back to a strong faith? And the baffling part was, how do you get more faith. There was no "faith" store, you couldn't buy more, and being told to "just have it" fixed it like kissing a gash you need stitches for. Even now Father, this isn't a "good sign" sort of thing, I just figure there's a shot you've heard this problem before and maybe had the right answer...maybe yes maybe no."

"I guess I'm just saying, I'd feel strange standing up there...here with all these people "watching" me...thinking I'm making some promise under a pretense that I don't really mean....Father??....Father???...."

At this point I've kind of stopped imagining how he would respond...either rubbing his head, or leaving the confessional...maybe going for some pepto?? I dunno.

Perhaps

Maybe it's how hard it is to "break into" art. Maybe it's that I left one crappy freelance job (I quite New York) for another (not really crappy...but not what I'm looking for). Maybe it's my, as Don Hertzfeldt once put it, "feeling of stagnation and creative loss in the field" No matter what, I'm feeling very picky about what I want to do with my "artsy skills" I'd love to be creative, but there are skills I just don't have a competitive enough edge on to make me successful. I can't work in graphic design. No matter how hard I try, anything else other than simple logo's and text comes out looking too "comic" to be professional.

When my boss says "a 10 second open" for a show, they're thinking motion graphics...and to my dismay a half hour later I'm staring at a story board I've done that you could draw looney tunes in. It's natural for artists to show their personality in their work. If you know me in real life, most likely you know how; bazaar, random, silly, crazy I can be... My professional peers think I'm joking when I photoshop my boss in a top hat with a handle bar mustache (I was re doing photo id's for the staff one day)or certain people I know cursing squirrels or defeating melons

Sorry to weird you out...but I really do think like that. So what do I do?? I hate to think it, but lately I've been considering "something new"....

The sound logical voices in my head...(my parents...I'm not schizophrenic!) keep telling me I need "something full time..."you need benefits...I don't want to see your degree go to waste." *sigh* Maybe I'm being pessimistic but I feel like I should start "bracing for impact"....this crash could be UG-LY!

The question (and answer)

this week=whirl wind

Monday I met the new art director, his name is Marc, and in true "new boss" form, he got right to work making some kick ass changes! Getting us a new computer for the art department. A "drop" (wireless Internet access) so that we don't actually have to jump from computer to computer around the room crashing into each other as we go. He's also been taking a very proactive approach to "reorganizing" our graphic library.

Wednesday I came home for a much enjoyed 3 day vacation! (I love days off with the boyfriend![he's not even my boyfriend anymore..but I'll get to that])

Thursday, was....fantastic, indescribably wonderful, unforgettable, bliss. Mattie and I rode out to Sellersville to see Thomas Dolby in concert. Yea, Dolby...like "She blinded me with Science"? Yea! That guy! :) We grabbed a REALLY yummy dinner at the Washington House before the show. Then met up with (I swear the only guy I know who can pull off wearing a bucket hat) Chris.
The house lights went down at 8 and the show was awesome! The guys got their *grove (and their nerd) on to some awesome electronic tunes.

And then this happened........

(Thank you Chris for taping..and posting this!)

OH.MY.GOD. Yea...that is Mattie..."was" boyfriend...now fiancee proposing to me, with the help of Thomas Dolby!!!!!!!!!!!!! He set the WHOLE THING up!!! I was...shocked isn't even the word for it! Amazed doesn't cover it, and elated isn't good enough.
My mom, of course, teared up when I showed her the ring, and the video. And laughingly told me she "never thought I'd be the first" LOL! She immediately started asking me what kind of wedding I wanted to have! LOL. OY this is SO NOT MY THING! I'm glad any "event" relating to this is still AT LEAST a year off. There are practical things that need to be settled first, like places to live and careers to start. Some money to save and debt to get rid of.

Which brings us to the last point....I got offered a new job! Which I've really almost made up my mind completely to take. It's at a printing company, and I would be the art director designing logos. Small, yet successful. I really think I'd do better in this sort of a capacity, plus it's only over in Havertown. (Delaware County...think Drexel Hill/Upper Darby area) which is GREAT!

Cross your fingers...with any luck...that strange, scary, grown up, responsible, not so crazy *life* thing that I've been talking about forever is about to fall into place!!! :)

H2O

I reiterate:

The Principal drawback of drinking 64+ oz of water a day is that you have to PEE ALL THE TIME!!!!! :/

Chocolate bug! :)

I had a TOTAL chocolate craving tonight! And while the vending machine in the break room seemed like the first logical choice (and I REALLY DID THINK about a Hershey bar or *gulp* a Twix) Instead I looked up online real quick, and headed down to the Godiva store a few blocks from here. They had *organic. dark. chocolate. covered. strawberries.*....HOOOOOOO-LY PARTY IN MY MOUTH!!! The strawberries were huge, and sweet...and add onto that some tasty dark chocolate....yea I'm drooling again!

I came back to the office (the strawberry did not make it back!) and did a little more research on the topic. Yay! There are some neat distributors but one caught my eye Their philosophy intrigued me. As did their blog

I don't want to go off on the whole "Industrialization of Agriculture in poor South American/African Countries" topic. It makes me sad : / Until I found, while reading the blog, this site. This is something that I can definitely be mindful of in the future...little steps!

Am I dumb????

I DELETED a post today..cause I must be a total idiot!!!!! (either that or a monumental "growing up")


But there's one song that still manages to kill me. Apart from the waiting through the remaining family trials.

I love living on my own. I love the Independence it affords me. And I love the communication my Mom and I now have, since we're not fighting about "how to live" anymore. We're apart, but I really feel that we listen to each other now. That we communicate, and RESPECT(!!!!) what each other have to say. Which is so important to me, now that things aren't just discarded with the anger.

I know how I feel means I'm moving forward...because I'm feeling things again that I haven't in years. It's tough, but I wouldn't go back for anything.

I'll say it now...cutting, something I've done, and have not been able to "say" for quite some time, ROBS you of emotion. It's no better than medicating with drugs...you feel nothing. And while life might "hurt" (and it surely does sometimes) you are stronger for it in the end! There is no greater proof of that than some of the most inspirational people in my life..Ms. M and her BFF... L. Two wonderful women who ALWAYS manage to live with their hearts first! Most of all my own Mom
Who, throughout my life has tried to teach me a great many things, including pride in myself, and pride in my family! It's time I start embracing her lessons.

I guess it's just human nature not to know how important someone is until you are not with them every day. The lesson is, I know now. And continue to use that knowledge to live, and mature, and be the woman I should be, everyday. (And just because...wow...OK Cornball me!!)

Pen-Pal!

I got my first e-penpal-mail today from Franka!!!

I met Franka the first night I stayed in the hostel this week. Apparently it was VERY busy that night, and our reservations were all mixed up. We stayed in the "emergency suite" which is an old conference room with mattresses on the floor. It was late when I first got there, but considering the circumstances and that it was just the three of us in the room, we were lite hearted enough to strike up a conversation. I think they were interested in my "token American-ness" and I got to hear really neat stories about living in Berlin. (where she and her friend Marie were from)

We hit it off very well, talking for several hours that night, until about 2 am (which granted is supposed to be "quiet time") and another girl came in and brought her angry vibes with her. (She was French) My second night there we ran into each other down in the lobby, and though we weren't rooming together, decided to go get a drink or two...or three..and hey...why not some shots as well??

We talked about "pop-culture" type stuff, music, movies, books. Our common interests being KMFDM, Tom Tykwer movies (Run Lola Run[which coincidentally I had just bought])

Unfortunately they left the next morning, but not before we exchanged e-mails! I found a letter from Franka, and I can't wait to write her back! :)

Watered down

Since I've been up in NYC I've been completely JONEZING for Snapple Iced tea...don't ask me why. I've had, 3? over the last few days, my first being a regular, and then diet when I took note of the amount of sugar involved. (YIKES) The craving seems to have been satiated this morning, so I spent the rest of the day filling up my empty Snapple bottle with water and drinking that.

So far I'm on my 4th refill. Ugh, I know "water's good for you" and all that...and I don't really mind drinking it, of course 64oz of the stuff makes me have to freaking PEE LIKE HELL!!!! I've gotten worried as to whether or not I look suspicious going to the bathroom every 10 minutes, so I've started alternating between the one down here and the one upstairs. Which is another plus, a flight of stairs breaking up my "sitting at my desk all day" non workout.

Tonight's my last night in the hostel, it's kind of bitter sweet. I won't mind not schlepping myself up there every night after work, but the other girls in my room have been really friendly, and we've started hanging out in the common room. Ah well...new faces next week.

*I'm getting really good at this "forced socialization" experiment I'm doing right now. Rather than allow myself to just keep quietly to myself and go about my business, I am (self imposed) required to spend AT LEAST half an hour in the common room, and NOT just with my nose stuck in a book.*

Jaded

It's funny working in a tv studio. Whether you realize it or not going in, you really do bump into professional baseball/football/basketball/hockey players!

It's also kind of funny how quickly it becomes "normal". I was talking with my Aunt and Uncle the other day...

Aunt: "So how was work?"
ME: "Good, we had a game today so it was slow in the studio after they did the pregame show."
Aunt: "So do you actually see Ron Darling, and Keith Hernandez when they're doing the shows?"
Me: "Oh, yea sure, they're around."
Uncle:*laughing* "She's so blase` about it."
Me: "Well, to be honest....they're just people...and well, Ron's kind of a doofus."
Aunt and Uncle laughing
ME: "No, I'm serious...he's like a game show host...or a used car salesman, I think the personality requirements are the same."

Lines

My mom called me from the beach down in Ocean City Maryland yesterday morning. It's become a little family tradition when you're on the beach, you call everyone else and tell them how nice it is. :D

We chatted for a bit, the weather is apparently beautiful, the water is warmer than she's used to, and the beach is shorter. Eventually we started talking about other stuff, namely my younger sister. HOLY COW she just started her SECOND year in COLLEGE!!!!! (YIPE) New roommates, new classes (she's kind of changing her major, sort of...maybe..a little[lol]) And by the end of the conversation I couldn't fight the tears. After I hung up the damn burst. I miss my sisters. Things are not well between us now, and I still feel like they don't want to fix things. But I did not dwell on this. Laundry to do (as always) and things to get ready for.

Later on boyfriend came over, and we played more Alien Syndrome (we're still hooked) As the night wore on he kept poking at what was on my mind. *sigh*...Here's where it gets complicated. They're my Achilles heel I can stone wall anything else in life, but when it comes to them..I'm mush. Ramworship gets very *angry and defensive of me when it comes to this situation. And no matter how often I try to explain that, no matter what comes up in our family, we weren't raised to let it come between our family, he still holds a grudge.

This is not to say that some of the things he is angry over aren't valid. To be quite honest I feel that the situation with my sisters now negates the above statement. That their behavior, and their anger are creating an even bigger rift.

BF: "Sweetie...it's been 4 years. I've seen the really good times, and I've seen really bad times. And while people do have their faults, if those faults are hurting you...you need to keep away from it."

A little out of context, that also had to do with me blaming myself for stuff that wasn't actually my fault. (ie not having all the answers, or controlling how other people act) I still keep hoping that one day I'll be able to find the middle ground between the family that I love, and the man I love. (Am I supposed to do that? Or are they?) All joking aside, I just want EVERYONE to get along again.

BF: "They're not being mature about this, and you're not responsible for their maturity level"
Me: "But they're acting out of hurt, and while I can understand that...I know it's "their way or the highway" whether the things they say are true or not."
BF: "I rest my case"
*sigh* all in all...it's going to take more time, and knowing the relationship I have with Murphy's law, it's going to get worse before it gets better. But, chin up...it's that getting better part that makes it worth while.

(That was concentrated positive effort right there! And a damn fine one at that.)

So...I guess this would be the "Put up or Shut up" deal. On the one hand..I asked to be full time, christ I've been asking since I GOT here. And my boss did make the schedule this month, with me...FULL TIME. 5 days a week. Which isn't really the complaint here. It's more the *other hand*...where I DON'T live here...and that's 5 days a week that I NEED to be "living" here.

YIPE! My Dad initially suggested renting a sublet, which isn't a bad idea, if for the possibility that over the next month, the new art director will come in, and then hire someone else full time that isn't me, which leaves me kinda screwed up here. Course there is the expense of traveling here, staying here, and commuting around. *UGH. It's all very overwhelming all at once.

I'm slowly chipping away at "Holy Hell what do I do" block...and with a little help, I keep the freak outs to a minimum. : P

I feel kind of *sick* (another day)

So my boss just gave me the schedule for September. I'm working full time. I'm not specifically hired full time, but I'll be working 5 days a week for the next month. *gulp* Wow how is that gonna work? I feel like freaking out and crying (??!!!???) I'll figure something out...least that's what boyfriend keeps telling me, that and options that just seem...so useless...*sigh* I'll *Fix* this post later on tonight...just needed to put this down for now. : / oy.

Saturday alien destruction

I got a call Friday afternoon, my boss wanted to know if I could come back up a day early. I *really* wanted to say no, but it beats catching the 7 am chinatown bus Monday morning so....

I wanted to be super productive Saturday, since it was my last day off (Until September) clean my room, conquor the laundry *finally* get the shelves back up in my room, and a bunch of other things... I made it as far as laundry, then boyfriend and I spent 12 hours together playing video games! (SO NOT KIDDING)

We popped in his awesome new game, Alien Syndrome, at 10 am that morning, and didn't turn it off until 10pm. Stopping only momentarily for snack breaks.

THIS. GAME. OWNES!!!!

It's a 3rd person perspective shooter with controls, maps, and objectives much like Halo. Doesn't bother me one bit! Granted we don't get to drive a tank (at least not yet) but the animation isn't bad, there's the added bonus of equipping yourself with armor and weapons that you can upgrade as you go along, and there's very little lag, if any. Seriously, the hours just get sucked into that strange black hole of distraction.


Me: "Let's stop"
Boyfriend: "Yea my brain is mush"
Boyfriend: "What time is it?"
Me: *lauging* "Holy shit! 10 o'clock"
Boyfriend: "Jee-sus!"


****** We recently got a new roommate, his name is Joe, and he's Brian's (Cousin's) best childhood friend...He's a nice guy....but he's a lunk head**********

Lunk: "Hey J"
Me: "Yea"
Lunk: "Come watch this...Bob Saget's special on HBO*"
****We recently got cable again....eh (still not going to watch too much)*******
Me: *Turns to boyfriend* "Why when he see's Bob Saget does he automatically think of me??"
Boyfriend: *shrugs*

In all fairness, his standup is REALLY funny. It's a great juxtaposition from the "Bob Saget" everyone thinks of...all nice and wholesome....dude...his comedy is TOTALLY RAUNCHY!

I definitely would not call the day wasted, since thinking about it, I wouldn't rather have been doing anything else, with anyone else. : D

Habits

Boyfriend: *walks behind James, who is sitting at computer*
Boyfriend: *plunks down on bed, digs into pint of ice cream*
Me: *turns....watches....*
Me:..."How do you CHEW ice cream???"
Boyfriend: *stares blankly......grins...starts to laugh...continues to chew*
Me: *Amazed look*

*Follow up

I got an *UBER helpful comment on my last post. =) Yay!

I think, barring next week, this is the longest stretch I've ever been up here, 6 days in a row. Which isn't really that long...but being here everyday, it really is. LOL.

Just before my eyelids got too heavy last night, and my book slid onto my face (to stay there until my alarm went off)a thought occurred to me (odd since you'd think I'd be concentrating on the book *shrug*) Does the size of New York intimidate me? Is that why I've been so gripey about it?? Do I really feel this place is just *too big* for a smaller city gal like myself? I don't know if Philadelphia fits because it's been *my city* all my life, or if it really is just the right size for me.

Whatever the reason, my little stubborn determined head voice has decided that New York gets its own chance again. I'm going to stop whining about how now "I don't really even want to work in New York anymore" and finally see this city for what it is. Because whether I like it or not, opportunity is knocking, and it would be negligible for me to let silly fears like a city being *to big* jeopardize them.

I was walking through the morning rush of Penn Station this morning, and while I hate crowds..I saw *it* the rush, the commute...the living crowd of bodies going somewhere, and then me smack dab in the middle. It felt nice to be excited again. So I'm going to honestly really try HARD to get this job full time. Harder than I ever thought I could. No more meekly shying away from bosses, or skirting around my points. "I want this job, what do I have to show you for you to want me to have it too." *Gulp* Big Smiles, and be confident (especially if I don't feel it lol!)

Right-o! =)

really NOT midlife!

A really good opportunity has recently presented itself in New York. 1/2 of the "art department" here at CSNY have moved on to other networks and jobs. This leaves a BIG understaffed gap, one I am now filling. So, now my job requires me talking to a few "higher ups" putting me into "hire me full time" mode.

There's just one problem...I don't know that I really want to do this anymore. "Get in full time, and find something else." Was the advice from my dad. Sound and practical...there's just one problem...it's not just this...its ALL of THIS!

I started out animating, and I loved it! Now working at a tv station, (I haven't animated in MONTHS) I like working in the control room, or operating the camera. But I don't know that I won't get bored with that. And like any profession, it takes a lot to keep up with animation. (Not that I was ever very good to begin with) Both technique, and technology. I need to start reading quite a few magazines, religiously again, 3D World for one. Animation World Magazine for another.

And yet, there's this completely opposite part of me that thinks..."How hard is it to work on a farm?" .........ummm...what?????!!!!! Albeit unusual, I'd like to grow things....and use them.....or something. *blinks* yea...sure.

Other sound advice being, "you can't know what you like until you know what you don't like" My dad; again. And sure, it's constructive advice...but I feel like I don't really have the time to mess around "finding" myself and what really makes me happy. Why as soon as I graduated, and this whole plethora of possibiliites opened itself up to me, did I suddenly lose all that "potential" and "enthusiasm" steam? I know, I just answered my own question, but still...shouldn't that many possibilities make it easier for me to decide, and not harder??

Pepper Follies

Despite my most sincere efforts, my latest experiment is not forthcoming. I've tried every conceivable way I can imagine. I just don't like raw bell peppers. :(

Over the last few months I've been cooking with them a lot (they're so cheap at the farmers markets!) Baking, frying, grilling, and filling with stuffs (yay rice!) and in that state I couldn't enjoy them more! But then there's raw. I really have no idea how something could taste so different uncooked. I really wanted to like them without any fuss. I've tried several dressings, and hiding them amongst other veggies, but to no avail. I thought maybe I could acquire a taste for them, just sort of have it "grow on me", but I always know the instant I hit one...like tomatoes or spinach...yuck! *sigh* oh well...

On the other hand I made some TOTALLY YUMMY (charcoal) grilled green squash the other day, topped it off with honey and crushed almonds...SOOOOOOOO good!! I LOVE online cookbooks!

*gulp*

It's now 1:30 am....and since it just happened I will confess...

There are days when I look down at the Comic Books on my floor, the DVD boxes, and the RPG on the computer screen in front of me and I wonder.....is it really THAT BAD????

Did I, long ago, start down the path of the Dark Side? Does it now, and forever dominate my life? .........Considering I just quoted F*%&%NG STAR WARS I'd say YES!!!!!!!!!!!!

Good GOD...I'm a NERD!!

*Whew*

Yesterday...er well it just turned 12am...Sunday, was great!

Saturday we did the whole cook out thing, that was...interesting. A propane grill (without a starter system) filled with charcoal briquettes, sprayed with lighter fluid then set on fire (without the result of blowing anyone up)gave us some good dogs, burgers (veggie for me) and toasty buns...with only a slight lighter fluid taste to them. (We had a hard time getting it going)

I made some yummy pasta salad...actually..way too much..pasta salad. (I always forget just how much 2lbs of pasta really is!) Some picky veggies, and a really neat red pepper veggie dip. (I cheated and used a packet..sue me) Along with a yummy cucumber salad. And, um, oooops....that whole bunch of corn I kind of forgot I cooked and left sitting in the pot on the stove while everyone ate the other food.... My big swollen head-pride comes from that, aside from the dip, I made everything else from guesstimation (and luck) Basically I made it look the way I remember it looking at family bbq's *grin*

Sunday morning Mattie came over to hang for his Birthday/vacation. (which makes me a little sad, "I appreciate that you're spending you vacations with me...but dude...we're in jersey....ya sure??") And yesterday....HAPPY BIRTHDAY MATTIE!!!!!!!

My mom called me Saturday, wanting to get together, I had to post pone until Sunday,I'm REALLY happy we got together!

We grabbed an early dinner at the neat little bistro around the corner. I hadn't seen my Mom in 2 months.......wow!!!

A) that's the longest I'd ever been without seeing my mom...EVER.
B)The second I saw her none of the bullshit we've been fighting about mattered anymore, and I couldn't have been happier.

My Dad came as well and we sat, and chatted, just the three of us. *Smile* The topics weren't always fun, but we didn't argue, and when I watched them drive away, I felt relieved. There are some hard choices I'm going to have to make soon, where I want to be (the name Bethesda seems to be creeping up again) and what I want to do. But a little of each thing each day. :)

on me

....emphatic official speeches always give me goosebumps....whether what's being spouted is bullshit or not

Sick day : P

Ramworship came over Tuesday night after work to help me finalize organizing his birthday BBQ. (Saturday woot!! I may procrastinate...but at least I'm organized about it!) Matic, Johno, Ramworship and I hung out for a bit, they went out "to the club", and Ramworship and I cuddled (we're very good at cuddling) up to a movie.

I awoke to a nudge.."Do you have any cough drops?"........hmm...4:30 am? Mumble-ish whine?? Cough drops!!! Oh NO!! Ramworship came down with a cold during the night. :( My 7 am round up of tylenol, oj and chicken soup helped a little when he started running a fever. :( Soup, tea and lots of movies today. *sigh* I needed to clean the house, but every time I went to start something he'd look at me with that poor pout-y "I don't feel good" look that only guys get when they're sick.

Ramworship: "I wasted the whole day sleeping"
Me: "What do you mean? You LOVE sleeping...its your favorite pass time"
Ramworship: "Shuddup!....do we have any cheesey fries?"
Me: "What?? Are you sure you're not faking???"

Last ditch attempt, I ran out and got some nyquil earlier....though the hallucinating babble was a little strange at first (Do NOT let sick people [especially those with substance knowledge] self medicate)Hopefully, since it came on so quickly, he'll feel a lot better tomorrow.

I wish you could hear me..............

The situation with my family is not getting any better. No matter what I try to say or do we're just not communicating. Especially my mom and I. My sister's and I don't even talk.....but my mom and I try to, and it just goes to shit. I'm tired, I'm worn out, and I miss having my family a lot.

During one of our conversations, my mom mentioned that I'd never been as open with her, as my sisters are. And despite the fact that this is just my personality, I showed her my flickr page. I really wanted to make her happy. To take a step.....instead she was "disturbed" and "hurt" by the fact that in my pictures, I'm happy....... "wait....are you mad at me for NOT being miserable living on my own?" No answer.

I really hope all this feels so badly right now because I'm just pms depressed...hopefully everything just feels 100 times worse than it is.

I told myself that looking back on my problems with my family years from now, I'd laugh. I don't know that I'll be laughing at this.

3 Books in almost 2 months

Just finished my Tales of Discworld collection book. Basically 3 books shoved into 1 big hardback book. (I got it for 50 cents at a used book store!!!) Almost 2 months and 742 pages later....I LOVE Terry Pratchett more every time I read his work!

Not only is he a great fiction writer, (who's imaginary world is JUST as interesting as Tolkien's ever was)but he's British on top of it, so its hilarious all the same! Maybe its just me, and when an author breaks 3rd person narration to make offhand Pythonesq comments, it happens to be right up my alley. But there's also the complete irreverence for the traditional narrative voice as well. *GRIN*

Definite suggestion, if you're ever looking for some light hearted, easy reading introduce yourself to Discworld. (ESPECIALLY if you can find it for 50 cents!!!)

Good old duality

GNO was AWESOME. I love Mel, I've never had a friend whose views were so different than mine, and yet we always agree to disagree! All of our discussions, be it Art, Pro life vs Choice, gossip, music...anything, are something I look forward to. : )

Mel just got back from Seattle, so a good deal of the night was spent with stories of the night life over there. And then I got to thinking. They were slightly disjointed, kind of tipsy thoughts, that only came together today while I was riding the bus over the Ben Franklin, but thoughts none the less. When I first started working up in New York, I found myself bopping around from state to state. Starting one morning in PA, ending the day in New Jersey, waking up there to head to New York. I loved traveling. Now, I'm sorry to say, its very routine. And my original enthusiasm about moving up to New York, is somewhat "eh" in nature. I watch Philadelphia as I leave now, and I actually miss it. I guess, as much as I wanted to be "nomadic" my "home" still feels like its there.

This is not to say that I don't still want to travel. Ramworship and I still talk about England and Spain...the ever elusive "someday" when we'll get it together to go there. (I still REALLY want to see Nepal) I know at sometime in my future, I will make this happen...but as someone once said, and my impatience agrees, "The future....everyday I wake up and its still the present"

I've even started looking into different careers that would require international travel

GNO!

Yay so excited! Getting ready for Girls Night Out at Nodding Head. (I love that place!) The Bartenders are all Irish (accents included) And they have a dart board...I'm a closet Dart shark...*grin*

Ramworship: "What the hell??!!"
Me: "My Dad taught me how to throw darts."
Ramworship: "grrr.."
Me: "Release from your eye"
Ramworship: *misses* "GRRRRRR!"

Still incredible, used to be edible....

There are some days I wish Ramworship wouldn't be so encouraging. *sigh*

We woke up late this morning, since he and I both had off today. And contemplating breakfast he asked if there were any eggs. "Can you make an omelet?" I didn't really think so, but I just can't say no to that smile of his so...

I chopped and mixed and it was so far so good. I'm not bad at scrambled eggs, or fried...and my pancakes tend to rock!.... Except that I pour everything into the pan...and now the hard part...flip!.........OH CRAP!!!

I burned it. Eww. Which I'm actually really surprised at, since I didn't even have the heat on that high. I couldn't flip it right the first time, so then I had to flip the whole thing over again. The outcome was NOT getting any better.

And then, even when it was on the plate, dark brown, and black spotted all over, he still smiled at me. I wanted to make him something else. Anything...even cereal would have been safe. All he did was plop on the ketchup and grin.

Call me a total cheese-ball...but I'm definitely finding that I love him more and more everyday. Still counting myself LUCKY that I get to love him, and have him in my life.

..It makes sense

As if I needed something else to be a pain in the butt right now?

Every year, from about June on there's a window where my allergies get really bad. So I walk around looking like a zombie (or a HUGE pot head...depending on how you look at it) with my eyes all blood shot. I've noticed it the last few years,....actually its kind of hard to miss when I have to wear sunglasses inside, cause they're so light sensative, and can't even put my contacts in. It normally doesn't last for more than a week, usually 2..3 days at the most. This year there's the added bonus of somehow I broke a blood vessel in my eye as well, so it's not only irritated pink, but also icky blood red! WOOOOOHOOOOO!

I love Eric, one of our production assistants,

Eric: What did that say?
Me: I don't know I can't see 2 feet in front of my face.
Eric: *quizzical look*
Me: No contacts, and I can't find my glasses.
Eric: Oh ow! How'd you do that to your eye??
Me: Eric...If I knew how I did it, I wouldn't have done it.
Eric: True

Frustration while playing video games with Ramworhip

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH


Sweetie!!! It's a video game! It's a code written response to a computer generated situation! It's 1's and 0's!!!!! IT CAN'T CHEAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's NOT cheating just because WE suck! at playing!!!!!! It's just a WII!!!!!!!



(breathe)........I feel better now =] LOL

Long day

Loyalty is a funny thing. People can demand it from you, without actually showing you any.

Hypocrisy is a funny thing. People can hate you for one action, then turn around and perpetrate essentially the same action, and still condemn you.

If the conversation was really supposed to be about understanding, communication, and addressing issues it would go something like this...
"You really hurt us."
"I know, and I'm sorry."
"Don't do it again."
"I will try not to."
and that would be the end of it. I am fairly sure the conversation WILL NOT go that way, because they do not want understanding, communication, solutions, or peace. They want a witch hunt and a Crucifixion. I will not ever again hate myself to please someone else. So the question is, do I walk away for good? Everything in me wants to say yes,that if their intention IS to hurt me, I shouldn't even think twice.

hmmm...'parently this one's not allowed to have a title either.....

I LOVE the little Cafe down the street from where I work! If I'm here in the morning (like today) I go and get a yummy vegan yogurt parfait! You basically by a cup, then pick your flavor of (soy) yogurt (today I got blueberry), oats (they only come in one flavor...oat) and your fruit to top it off! (Bananas and Orange slices today) I found a receipe to make my own vegan yogurt...I might give it a whirl. =]

Apparently this blog isn't allowed to have a title??

Just another night of not sleeping. Fun! At least J's around to keep me company. We spent most of college iming each other all night cause we both knew neither of us slept. *sigh* nostalgic moment....5 years later and we're still talking all night long instead of sleeping. In a sort of screwed up way....I appreciate that.

Reading a book to fall asleep usually just leaves me with eye strain (to do list...FIND YOUR GLASSES!!!) Tea doesn't help, exercise doesn't help. I turn on the tv any more and I can FEEL my brain leaking (it's drippy and gross!) I'm going to stick to my "non compliance of medicianl sleep aid" (eff that)

The one thing that DOES worry me is the only time I do actually get several hours of sleep is passing out from alcohol consumption. There's NO WAY this is a solution. Sides, I can't limit my sleeping to Friday nights only. *shrug* oh well...least I can catch up on blogs and postings. : )

addendum

We also found another "surprise" waiting last night that really makes me want to be a nasty bitch about it...........


Ramworship came to the house (like normal) a few weekends ago. For fun he actually brought his turn tables. He showed Matic and Johno how to spin (mostly play with his mixer) and that sunday we went to Seaside. Matic's cousin was supposed to go with us, but he ditched out to go hang out with Matic's ex girlfriend.

When we got back from the beach, Ramworship (and matic) were really sunburnt...and Ramworship couldn't pack all of it up and take it home with him that day. A few days ago Matic asked Ramworship if it would be alright if he used his tables while Ramworship wasn't there....he said fine. So I showed Matic how to turn them on, and he put a record on one of the tables, put the needle down, and it skated right across it.

Matic-"Is that supposed to do that?"
Me- "No.....leave it alone I'll ask Ramworship about it later"


Well Ramworship takes a look at his table last night....

Ramworship "WHAT THE FUCK!"
Me "What??"
Ramworship "The needle's broken off!"
(I don't think the look on my face really could be described using any of the following...dumbfounded, shocked, pissed, confused and angry because it surpassed all of them)
Me "what??"


Ok....so this is where I lose my temper........
Because as it was explained to me...you really have to TRY for a record needle to be broken. .....If a particualr someone did fuck with his stuff I will turn on the henious bitch, I don't care about the repricussions.

Crash landing

The saying goes "It takes all kinds of people". At first I laughed when I made the "social skill" comparisons between myself and my friends. But now the gravity of that statement really puts things in perspective.

Everyone in the house, including our unofficial occupants (Ramworship, Johno, and BMC) has their own personality quirks, but we all get along...all except for Matic's cousin. I've only known him for a few months, but in that time I've seen him turn down more opportunites to "join in" and be part of the group than I can count. And that's fine. We're not his crowd, or he's just not into it, it's his decision. The problem is that he harbors a grudge about his self-imposed isolation. A grudge that he will passive-aggressivly stew over until it becomes an enormous problem.

Last night we celebrated Johno's birthday. It started out as Matic, BMC and myself. Ramworship came over later that afternoon. In the evening Cousin came home, and shortly thereafter Johno and Spags came over. So, as they usually do, Matic, BMC, Johno and Spags started to jam on their instruments. Dorothy came home soon after that and everyone, except Cousin, was hanging out having a good time. (The guys have a verbal agreement with Cousin that their curfew on jamming is 10pm) Later to our surprise Rob, May,(who no one has seen and QUITE a while!) and their friend Mike also showed up for Johno's birthday. And everyone had a good time until 9:45. A few minutes after they put their instruments down, the police walked through the front door saying that it's time to break up the party. DUDE......THE FUCKING POLICE!!!!!!

Instead of acting like a 28 year old adult, and coming downstairs and saying to ANY PERSON in the house "hey could you stop playing, could you keep it down, or I'm not comfortable with this many people in the house" Cousin called the police.....what a TOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When they started inquiring who lived there, Dorothy included BMC (as they're dating and he was staying the night) and I included Ramworship (as he was also staying with us) Cousin spitefully went after BMC saying he "was not allowed to stay" and left Ramworship alone. There are indepth reasons why Cousin did this, reasons that I'm not entirly in disagreement with, but not spitefully. Not to hurt Dorothy, which is why he did it.

The funniest part was that the police looked annoyed just to have to be there. But when the 4 of us (Dorothy, Matic, Ramworship and myself) explained the verbal curfew agreement, and that Cousin had not bothered to say anything first, they seemed more annoyed at Cousin than anyone else!

UGH... we're all moving out asap. BMC put it best, "The guy doesn't want roommates, he wants to be "father" of a house of people helping him to pay his bills."

Up until now I've been trying to stay objective. Not to get involved with past problems between Cousin, Matic or Dorothy. Just keep my head down and do my thing. I'm just not sure alot of objectivity was left after last night.

"One word can bring you 'round"

I like change. Its always happening. Making things different and exciting. Sure sometimes it's sad, but it usually works out.

Matic has decided it's time for him to be moving on, and moving out. With any luck, this change will help him change more about his life, namely his job, which he is very dissatisfied with. I wonder who will move in.

All the housemates, myself included, have decided no more Jersey Drip*. It was fun times while it lasted. But all parties, no matter how much fun, must come to an end. We've all done some recognizing of things for what they are. So...party over, clean-up time. We're all happy that we didn't make a big mess. (actually barely anything was even remotely disheveled....which is pretty damn lucky) Ramworship has decided to join in with the ending as well. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't happy about his decision.

Apparently he's done some thinking about other decisions as well.

After we broke up, we took, at best, minimal time apart. We'd still hang out as friends, and talk all the time. When I moved to Collingswood he and I even continued being "friends w/benefits" (which I would say is "very high school" but for the fact I didn't have a boyfriend in high school) We never really separated. This worries me a bit. Honestly, I did ask him several nights ago, before we fell asleep, "what are we doing?....No pressure, don't answer now, I'm just curious."
Last night he gave me an answer. We agreed starting that conversation at 2 am was not the way to go at least.

I guess my hesitation is just wondering....is this really what he wants? I know I'll always love him, but I still feel if he's not happy that I don't want to be with him. *shrug* Then again,the guy's 28, he's perfectly capable of figuring out what he wants on his own. Which I'm all for. (lol)

No rush really. It'll come up again at some point, preferably face to face. Until then, I'm not gonna worry about it. *grin* I don't do that anymore.

Its not funny...but I still laugh

Seaside

Sunday was......perfect, awesome, wonderful, gorgeous, and just what I was looking for. Mattie, James and I took a day trip to Seaside Beach. It was absolutely beautiful.


We got something of a late start, and hit a snag on the way down

But after we made it down the day couldn't have been more perfect! 85 and not a cloud in the sky. I haven't been to the shore in years. I love

the ocean.

We baked on the beach for a bit, until finally I had to go swimming even though no one else wanted to go in. Mattie "Doesn't swim" and James doesn't know how to, so I can understand his hesitation. The water was awesome.

After we baked a bit longer, we headed up to the boards for a bite to eat. I wanted to ride one of those obscenely high tie-you-in-a-cage and spin-you-in-crazy-directions rides, but not for 20 bucks! OUCH! We headed home after only to find on the way, that the guys were slowly turning into tomatoes! :/ They both got REALLY sun burnt....*sigh*.

I'm really happy we all went. Mattie and James (and Jason) are def my most fav guys. I love them :)

Home Furnishing

So Ramworship and I headed out this morning and purchased the cutest, neatest little desk for my new room. (My back and hips were starting to yell at me from using my desktop on the hard wood floor.) Its kind of funny how when you, you know, start shopping...sometimes you just keep going?

I found the neatest little fountain.



I'm really glad I got one. Only then we started grocery shopping as well.. There is a reason they tell you not to shop when hungry!

Me "I need to get milk"
Ramworship "well I need to get something for breakfast"
Me "?"
Ramworship "I'm gonna be here all weekend...I'm gonna need stuff to eat for breakfast"

And while that does make sense, especially since he's spent the last 3 weekends here [hehe : )] hanging out with the house mates and I....couldn't you have found something a little bit better for you than pop tarts??? LOL. The guy's 28 and still eating junk food for breakfast...and he fucking gets away with it!! Life's so unfair sometimes. [:) lol]

Nah I'm not really complaining. It was fun...at least up until he slammed his head on his own car door...now poor mattie's got a big lump. :(

pukey sick feelings

So last weekend didn't go so hot. (There were past posts that have now been deleted.just couldn't find the words...or the time to find them)

Suffice it to say two of my friends are no longer welcome in the house (by agreement of all occupants) due to their relapsed states.

I was hoping it'd just be a short term thing. That they'd be able to make things work, that they'd get straight. But I think that hope disappeared tonight.

I blame myself for getting them together in the first place. And even though Ramworship, and Johno, and even myself have laid out all the logical reasons I shouldn't feel responsible for their situation.....I'm the one that told BMC that Rai used to be an addict to. At the time I wanted to help support him....let him know that at least someone he knew could understand his situation. But my naivety, I feel, just helped in their problems.

Rai called me tonight while B-Cuz, Johno and I were out playing pool, she told me she and BMC were hanging out. That they "ran into each other in Philly"...

B and Johno just looked at me and said exactly what I was thinking..."Yea...hanging out on smack" Ramworship keeps telling me I've done all I can do. And I do believe him...because at the end of the day...I can't police them, or make their decisions for them. And I can't aid them in their addictions. I still don't want to give up though, because I don't want to abandon my friends. And I feel like I have to assume the worst, that in conjunction with each other, they're going to enable their habit until they're dead. And that scares me. Maybe a little dramatic...but its not far from the truth.

The worst part is knowing that I'm not going to be able to do a damn thing. I don't take being helpless very well. And while I don't want to just cut off contact with them...I might have to.

A week later

Its been hard moving little bits at a time. Lugging bags full of clothes from train to train and then trekking. Ramworship was a HUGE help yesterday, lending his car as transport and YAAAAAA! Now I have a good amount of stuff in my room. Still no mattress though. : /

Thinking about taking Ramworship's advice and just getting one off of craig's list since yesterday's picking up of stuff did not go well. I know this is really hard for my mom. And I know why she's not making this easy for me.....at the same time, her attitude (and mine) only serve to exacerbate the situation.

Some silence if you will....

I met a friend of Matic's about a month ago. We really clicked and have become pretty good friends in this short time. She recently started going out with Matic. (yay!) She and Matic have been friends for a really long time, so cool with the 'taking the next step' and all. Especially since the two of them just reconnected after a falling out.

Except that....

Now, when I talk to her, and she expresses her thoughts, feelings, misgivings, and problems with her new relationship, I have to try and be objective about my friend. Normally that wouldn't be so hard, except that...Matic talks to me as WELL! (When did I become Doctor Ruth??)

When she first told me they decided to go out, I was happy for them. But I also PROMISED myself I wouldn't let myself get dragged into the middle of anything. Now 3 weeks later here I am stuck smack dab in the middle of a relationship that isn't mine!

And normally, I'd just smile and nod, because I really am flattered that they both feel they can confide in me. But I'm also a little angry, because when they both started talking to me, one of the first things I said, to both of them was "I'm happy you feel you can open up to me, and I do care about you, you're both my friends, but your business is just that, YOUR PERSONAL BUSINESS!" I'm angry because I made it clear, when it comes to intimate relationships, I DON'T really talk about it. I keep a lot of what's between me and "him" between me and "him". It makes me uncomfortable to share intimate details, and my feelings are not being respected.

I don't say this to be cold, or to be a jerk,I love you guys, but I don't need you to call me right after and give me every detail when you sleep together! :/ I know you're happy and that's great, go be happy about it with your significant other though, please!

It bugs me that I listen to the two of them talking about each other, seriously guys! Realize that she's a friend of mine, and that he's a friend of mine! It bugs me especially knowing that I'd wanna help (cause I try to do that, help) but again, it's none of my business, and it's NOT my place. I don't want the responsibility of being mediator. I'm really torn between wanting to be there for my friends, and wanting to just lock both of them in a room release conditional upon communication!

The best laid plans are spontaneous

Thursday started out relatively quiet....................................................


Then the planets returned to their normal alignment, and a fight broke out. *sigh*
And the rhetoric came out. I'm a burden, I'm a piece of shit, I need to leave, I need to be gone.

I moved out in about 20 minutes. That might be a world record. I'll have to check on that. I am officially an occupant of 161 Frazier rd. as of Friday night when we (Matic,and I) cracked a lager and 'cheered' me moving into the last open room in the house.

I can only wonder how awesome my friends are over this last month. Its really a wow, and a warm fuzzy feeling inside. Especially Ramworship. (HOLYFREAKINWOW!!) I had been talking to him online at the time,

me "I have to go."
Ramworship "Where you goin?"
me "Umm..I was told to leave...again :/"
Ramworship "I'm leaving now I'll meet you at the train station"

He didn't ask any questions...he just got in the car. And wouldn't take no for an answer. (jaw falls to floor)

He went with me to Jersey, hung out with me and Cousin all night. (Put his arm around me while I nodded off watching tv) Then hung out most of Friday before he had to catch the train back. I really love him. Beyond past boyfriend-ness...Just as my best friend. A constant comfort. A giving, caring, and kick ass person. Ramworship is really really awesome. :)

We ended Friday night (Saturday morning) as we normally do. Singing along to Lateralus (while matic played along on his gee-tar) and watching old Monty Python clips. Good GOD we're nerds! :)

A boot in the behind

I've been in a haze since Sunday. I hate "riding a low" (as I've come to call it) because I feel miserable about being miserable. I know there's really not a whole lot I can do about how I feel, that doesn't stop me from not accepting it.

I will at least feel good, after, knowing that I made myself do things, rather than just lie in bed like I want to. I MADE myself do laundry, I MADE myself clean up my room, MADE myself eat, and (ewww) take a shower, becuase if not, after things start to normal out, I'll just feel bad about NOT doing those things.

I didn't want to get up and meet up with Melissia on my way to New York this morning. I didn't want to spend the day with her after I was done with my meeting at work. But I made myself stick to my promise, and I'm starting to feel a bit better. I don't feel like breaking down and crying so much, and being around another human definitely feels good.

For some reason I seem to need a reminder every now and again, not to be so hard on myself. A reminder that its ok to feel things. Not in a "I am a robot I have no emotions" sort of way, but that its ALRIGHT if I'm NOT perfect. I think "Mammafriend" once said to me, "you like a person for their similarities....you love a person for their imperfections"....or something along those lines. I think I need to start "loving" my own imperfections more.

Imperfection 1...Manic Depression. (This is NOT the end of the world!)

Ok, I'll do it.

I haven't been in a great mood over the last few weeks. Not because of the break up, even in spite of the new job looming...I've been fighting a particular urge. It might be that pesky thing that doctor told me about that time. But something Rai said to me a few weeks ago made me reconsider the situation.
"If you need to cry, cry. Its good for you, don't choke it off. And if you ever do that denial shit in front of me again, I'm gonna smack you!"
So....I did. I just felt like crying, so I spent (feels like wasted) half an hour, and just let go. Only it just kept coming. I had to force composure when I started to hyper ventilate. This is why I don't give in to this urge.

I'm kind of back to square one now. Just waiting until this "feeling" goes away.

Rainy Sunday

I got home from New York really early this morning. Woke my lazy butt up to grab the 7 am bus...yikes! Rode home a seat ahead of the Guinness world record holder for snoring. I'm pretty convinced he was faking...cause seriously...I don't think the human body can make that noise of it own accord...even with this guys likelihood of sleep apnea (he was a LARGE person)

No sooner had I made it home than Matt imed me. I hate to say it (not really)...the guy still puts a dopey grin on my face. (rolls eyes) We grabbed some lunch at Ruby Tuesday's before going to see Mr. Brooks. Interesting movie. The concept was pretty originally approached, honestly..who would have thought to make William Hurt someones Id? Dane Cook...well I have my opinions on Dane Cook, they sum up to the word annoying, and then there was this strange forced co-starring of Demi Moore with something of a parallel...yet still very independent story line of her own. Not sure that worked out so well.

Went for a walk in the rain later on, through Ardsley. It was kind of sad. They turned our old bike track (4 of 5 large mounds of dirt we would launch over) and "The Woods", a dirt path into Ardsley cemetery, into a "Wild Life Path" Umm...basically they got rid of the dirt and put up a sign to keep us "hooligan" kids out, never mind its about 10 years too late. We used to hop the 8 foot fence to get in there to play "ghost in the graveyard". Lazy punks today just cut a hole in the fence. (Damn kids lol)

I was really surprised when I walked past a tree and found myself barely 20 feet in front of two Doe that were grazing near some head stones. I sat down and just watched them watching me for a good 10 minutes. I'm not sure if it was the rain, or just how green the grass was, but they really were a gorgeous shade of red. The bigger one finally decided I had annoyed them enough before it snorted at me a few times and they moved on. Cool. =]

The SNY quote of the weekend
Me: "Will? Did you just quote Lisa Loeb?"
Will (my producer): *lowers head* "Yes"
Me: "I'm not sure who's more embarrassed, you for quoting her, or me for knowing its her you're quoting." =/

Dude! Cartoons!

Corman gave me the idea cause he posted a cartoon I also used to love, and haven't seen since I was like 6. So...post with props to cartoons!
So apparently in the early 80's a company called Thames (yup like the river) produced an awesome bunch of cartoons. Thing is I've watched cartoons my whole life, I still do now, kind of the draw back of learning animation...you continue to watch cartoons...forever..anywho...I LOVED these. Most will probably remember Count Duckula


Less well known (and my FAVORITE now)
Danger Mouse


Others that I used to watch were
The Adventures of The Little Prince (French Produced 1979?)


and The Mysterious Cities of Gold


I remember these last two shows much cooler (artwork/character design wise) than they actually were :/ ah well

Eww, gross

Ok so imagine you're 12, and you're one day just minding your own business, drinking a glass of water when suddenly.....

hey....this water tastes funny. Hey...its red! I know I'm not drinking red kool aid....eep!!!

Yea...course the funny came when, bleeding, I walk up to my dad and his first comment is "What the f*&ck did you do?" *laugh*

High school was fun, getting to run from classrooms, or lunch tables in dramatic fashion. Then getting to mix and match school uniforms/ gym uniforms and regular clothes for the rest of the day.

Social gatherings are hilarious as well....spontaneous blood letting apparently has a way of making you the life of a party (Matic's house warming/birthday *laugh*)

Ah well...what are you gonna do??....stare at it in morbid fascination of course!

DUDE!

Call back #2 today, I'm going to be interviewing 2 different positions! *BIG SMILE*

Fingers Crossed!

I got an e-mail from my HR rep in New York (really nice guy named Scott)

He forwarded my transfer request to Philly yesterday, and gave me the number of a guy named Marc to call here. I left a voice mail for him this morning and he called me back! (WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT)

He wants to set up an interview for the Tech 1 position they have open in Philly, which basically means I'd do a little of everything, control room work on Viz or Chyron, stage managing, camera operation, a little Avid editing, probably some Art Department graphics prep work, but overall full time and a lot more involved!

WOW!!!!!!

I am so freakin excited right now! How cool would this be? The answer is VERY GD COOL! Not only would I be able to stay local, maybe live in the city, or with my friends just over the bridge, but I'd be working for the Flyers, for the E-A-G-L-E-S, for the Phillies, well...sum it up ALL Philadelphia sports teams! Wow...wow wow wow. For someone who last week didn't know what they wanted, I do know I want this.

So now we need:
a little luck *crosses fingers*- check
some skills (reads up on Avid)-check
and some enthusiasm *smiles*- check

Too bad the interview's not for a week. LOL

Really Big Oops

I realized the other day, that I was wrong about something. Really really wrong. I thought one of the reasons I would be so "ok" was because I had been fooling myself about what our "relationship" really was. I thought I was forcing myself to hang onto a romantic notion about a really good friend. (you've GOT to be kidding!)

It hit me all at once. It didn't matter to me. I could live in New York, or Philadelphia, I could work at comcast or a fruit stand. It didn't matter to me, because I just wanted to be with "him".

I cracked. I cried..hard...because the only thing I really did want, won't be now. I was really wrong. And as usual hindsight and 20/20 and all, I can't fix my mistakes. And the kicker is,(I love this) I don't want to be with "him" if it makes "him" unhappy.

So, now I start making decisions for myself right? Start finding out what else it is that I want from life. I'm hoping I find it quick like so I won't have to think so much about this.

In the words of Dr. Gonzo "Wow...What a bummer."

For a loop

Its been a week since we broke up. And I still don't really feel any particular way. Maybe that's because we do still talk almost every day, and the only thing that's different is sending silly emoticon kisses, and "I love you"s back and forth.

If I were feeling bad I could at least take comfort in the thought of time going by. But, I dunno, I'm not really hurting. It does hurt, don't get me wrong. But when it does, I just decide not to think about it any longer. Does that count as denial?

There are some things I miss that scare me, cause even if I do find someone again, it won't be him. No one will ever be him. (thanks captain obvious)

I'm happy that I don't regret anything. Ah well....life moves on.

HOLY SHIT????

I've been kind of stressing a bit lately cause Rai wants me to go bathing suit shopping with her. And while its not the most horrible thing that could ever happen...eh..me and shopping not so much.

But swept up in pure vanity today...after I found another 2lbs gone (YAY!) I looked at myself in the mirror...and for the first time, maybe ever....really didn't think what I was seeing was all that bad!.....

HOLY SHIT??!!!

Not gonna let it go to my head or anything....just happy that it happened. : )

Another day

Last night, I was exactly where I needed to be. With my friends, both old and new, just having fun, and getting tons of hugs! :) Despite the situation, I decided to go through with plans. And I'm glad I did. Rai and I grabbed some pizza, and then woke up Matic. Cousin mowed the lawn, while Flatmate got ready and by 10:30 we all piled into Matic's car, grabbed and extra Wii along the way, and went to Johno's.

Wii bowled, Wii played tennis, and Wii played pool, dude...Wii rule at doubles tennis!!! Me and Cousin vs Computer and Matic. Lots of drinking, and tumble piles of love, with me squished in the middle. As always there was singing, and music...a little drama (I was NOT involved! :) ) and Spagzilla's fine suggestion of dropping out the bass on the stereo so we don't piss off the neighbors. Packed it in around 4 and trekked back to Matic's to crash.

I was good most of the car ride home, until Matic decided to play Moody Blue's "Knights in White Satin"......RANDOM...I hate that song! It has absolutely NO meaning to me what so ever....so why did that song turn me into a teary mess??? Yuck. But it passed quickly with a little advice from Matic.

Me- "I don't feel like being upset about this right now..there's no reason for me to be!"

Matic - "Then don't be." (hug)

Me- *smiles*

Matic- "Much better."

Your friends really come through for you when you need them....I love my friends. I'm really lucky to have them. :D